Sunday, December 2, 2012

People on linkedIn

As my company allows me to surf non-work related websites at work, I spend a lot of time lurking around on social networking sites, and my latest fancy has been the one and only .. LinkedIn

One who treats LinkedIn as facebook

Profile pic: On a jet ski at a fancy beach.
Status Message: Had a buffet lunch at so and so place, very tasty!
Promotes spam such as the "If you dont like this status, this baby will die"

I am waiting for linked-in specific spam such as, "John is a fresher without a job, linkedin has promised 1 job referral per click to poor jobless John, Help pooor jobless John by spreading this message."

One who treats LinkedIn as

We wear cool suits | We wear shiny Shoes | We’re the Blackberry Boys on LinkedIn
your father sees my profile, your mother sees my profile....

Nowadays prospective bride/ groom (depends on your taste these days, anything is possible) pour over your entire traces on the net to get an idea of what you are and how you are...
So be it....
remove all the job opening related groups : you want to look stable and well settled.
Add all the high-ranking officials so that you seems to be in the right "power circles"
Add the family business classmates who have self appointed fancy titles..."owner of Pappu Tambhuraj telephone shoppee is usually now, CEO, P&T Telecom"

Have some motivational sounding status messages "Aim for the sky, even if you are in a ditch, one day the galaxy will be in your hands" which essentially means, yeah .. no one has heard about my company or the technology i work in... but if you have patience and let me marry your daughter /son... i will get the fancy job you are dreaming of, in the next lifetime :D

The recruiter

They are the contact-whores. When you see their invitation to connect, you wonder if you have met them in school, college, on the previous company...
But they are here to relieve you from your pesky manager to a newer shinier pesky manager
from your job which pays peanuts to the job which would pay bananas
From a local company to a company which has an international footprint (ok bangladesh, sudan, nepal are also technically international locations right )

The female recruiter

Profile pic: Photos with very glamorous Bollywood heroine-like poses
Viewers of this profile also viewed.. section: More profiles with beautiful photos of women

Apart from this, all the other stuff is the same as the category above

The jobless mba

Shiny suit.. check
fancy degree.. check
fancy job.... errrr.... LinkedIn kis liyee hai!

Leadership is poured over in everything since childhood..

  • Planned the strategies for playing hide-and-seek in kindergarten
  • Looked over the recruitment of talent for playing kabaddi in grade 4

Even the plain routine activities have a tinge of leadership and planning:

  • Lead the coordination and execution of Rose day in college

The roles and responsibilities taken before the MBA and the activities taken up in the college are all "planned and chosen".. (it has to make up into a career story right)

  • Took up technical role in programming to understand the nitty-gritties of the industry 6 months (randomly taken campus placement)
  • Lead the sales team of region to understand the local market (part time job while preparing for MBA)
  • Worked with a family lead company to understand the social fabric of the industry. (Joined Friend`s  family business in dire situation)

Looking for openings in all mid- management positions: Program Management, Product Management, BA etc etc.  (will polish shoes?... YES)

The jobless techie 

Aaah one more tribe ...

Completes all the useless certifications while on-bench at company`s expense.
Puts up the certifications as part of the name so that it appears when people are searching ro them.

Tom Harry CISP CCNA MCSP +91998723588

Does all the work for the company`s project. Yes ALL the work
  • Lead the design of the product from scratch.. (Yeah, the CEO decided that the future of the company would be better in a guy with 3 months of experience)

  • Mentored the juniors in all technical aspects (including searching the software shares, applying leave, etc)

  • Collaborated with global teams (Guy in the us: blah blah blah... candidate: yes sir! )

Demonstrates past Niche area: Worked on the multi-threaded server for financial domain specializing finance targeted at the people specializing in marketing of the telecommunications in Malaysia.
(Wants to show focus and specialization)

Proposes openness for future options (Will polish shoes?  Yes sir!)

The attention seeker

Knows that his days in the current company are numbered.
Want to look out for new job without anyone knowing that he is looking out for new job.
Deletes the traces of him connecting with recruiters.
Constantly updates his profile info every now and then so that even the task of holding a meeting with 5 people is not missed in his profile.

Tries to come-up as a very well read and learned person by sharing articles from WSJ and forbes

The family businessman

  • Bachelors from Galaxy college of engineering, (which dad paid for to get a management quota seat)
  • Masters in management from UK. (Again dad paid for so that his value in his community increases for his marriage)
Has his profile pic of him with his dad on a foreign visit to some factory (you cannot make out who is the dad in the pic)

The endorsement whore

 The latest tribe on LinkedIn. Ok, if one has actually worked with a person or knows that a person is good at something, endorsement is a wonderful way of , endorsing others (what else).

But these are the people you add-up just because you find 2-3 people in common connections, have not seen each others face in decades, (and don`t want to, in the coming decades)

They endorse you on things, which you yourself know that you suck at, just so that you also might endorse them back.

Fuck you random endorser!

LinkedIn has affected the very way people connect for business and work, and we will continue to find interesting people here. (I have a few friends who work at LinkedIn and I dont want to anger them)