Saturday, May 21, 2011

Anatomy of a desi Computer

Since my childhood, I had been the "techie" for most of my friends and family members. Whenever shit happens to their prized asset and I used to be on their speed dial list. Though a techie for them, all usually i do is google for the solution (yeah in front of them) and take the credit. Too bad I never made a penny out of it. My story apart after visiting many houses / offices / wherever, I observed that most of the "desi" computers have some peculiar characteristics, such as....

The Cabinet
Yeah the cabinet. The gray/black "dabba". The location and the posture depends on the age of the box (quite like humans) The new box, it will be very clean and will have Gods photo on it. Stickers like "Knowledge is wisdom" and "Ubuntu" are stuck up all over. "Ubuntu" because no one can ever use it properly and since its linux it has to be cool. even though the ubuntu crap is formatted within a week with a pirated XP, (damn its friggin difficult to even install a new program).  The old boxes are the poor ones, dusty and neglected, often used as a leg support, and switched on by kicking the poor thing :D

The girls drive
Yeah then you have this girls disk drive. There is one music folder with all the girlie pop songs. There will always be a corresponding lyrics file (god! else how will they sing english songs :P ). Then there are some random folders ... and there is a folder which is... even if ur mouse pointer comes 50 pixels near it .. the girl will scream "NOOOOO!! Not that". Then after a quick check whether u pee`d urself, ask her for water. The girl will give a warning with that "look" ....Once the girl has left .. ofcourse the folder has to be opened ...:D
and inside the folder will be....
Pics of Atif aslam
Pics of Avril
Pics of the girl with her friends when they had a night out... and they all applied facepack together
All the friggin collection of photographs from college, school, special days...
A folder named "Movies" and also the seasons of friends, how i mated your mother ..watever
The contents vary with the age of the girl

The boys drive
The content does not vary with the age of the boy. one folder of heavy metal music (just because its uncool to not like it). One folder named "Movies" with half the collection common with the girls folder.
There will also be all the seasons of Heroes, the japanese action cartoon (sorry animated) series and all.

There is a speciality of the boys drive. You select all the files and it will be of the size 78.3 GB. Then you go and see that the drive actually consumes 698 GB. Hows that possible is upto you to guess :D

The common drive
Yeah the common drive. The sarkari drive. It  will have a folder named "All software setups" which is basically the backup of the Internet itself.
 It will have a folder named "Pics" which basically contain the pics you dont mind anyone seeing (or if they already are public)

Definitely this drive will have a folder named "Videos". This is a backup of YouTube. You will find most of the ads, funny clips, stuff basically you watch 1000 times and still will watch it again. The origin of this folder is basically the times when broadband was still in infancy and the rich kid used to download all the videos.

The "Studies" drive
The smallest drive on the computer. It will contain the  ebooks and educational videos. They are made to make your dad happy when he first bought the friggin "45000 rupees" ka computer for "bacchon ki padhai". They are not even used once. Most of the space is used for Movies and music videos which overflow from other drives.

The internet router modem
The untouchable of the lot. You try to go near it and the entire family will scream at you. NOO.
There are 100s of LEDs blinking. God knows what they actually mean.
But people only know one thing.
If it stops blinkin because of you.... you aint going home tonight ...till it blinks again

One of the most abused lot. You can find chivda, rice, dal, everything. Usually some keys are missing. esp the small enter key. The rule of thumb is: When you want to press enter, press enter. When you are sure, then bang the enter key. Type your username password..Bangggg
Poor thing gives away after sometime

The cloth
This is a piece of cloth which you dedicate to the computer. On the first day of the computer. To make mom happy. Later on it sits in its place just like your dads old scooter, waiting to be used. Lo and Behold, your friend comes up to you place suddenly. Within 3 seconds the cloth is taken and the monitor is cleaned up, then the keyboard, and then .. no the modem is not touched. The timeout is 3 seconds. Just till the friend is convinced that you are a clean person.

Antique equipment
Yeaaah the equipment which is replaced. The cd rom drive which is replaced by a DVD writer. The graphics card replaced by a new one under peer pressure (you  have ATI 7500 and not NVidia 5xDouche ? damn you suck )
 The equipment is all working. So why throw it. It is kept till the new version of the OS refuses to use it and goes on a strike.Then it is given away to a loser-er friend having the oldish pc. Its still given with pride "Jab liyaa thaa 6790 ka thaa". Never mind its given away for free.

The leg stand
Yeah there has to be a leg stand. Without it the computer is not complete. Never mind if there is no decent piece of furniture, the cabinet, the spare chair, the desk itself makes an excellent leg support.

The own laptop
This is the laptop which is again bought out of peer pressure. Later you realize that the battery never lasts for even finishing a movie. And much later you realize that laptops cannot be upgraded that easily.
The laptop being the new "sautan" gets more attention. Sometimes as much as a dedicated table for it, till you realize that all you have now is the same desktop which sucks donkey balls.
yes sir, donkey balls

The company laptop
Yeah this is the showoff laptop. You tell your parents how important you are in the team that they gave you a new laptop. You finally let your young nephew play games on it. sooner or later he quits for his usual ps3
The owned laptop is a "sautan" and this one is the whore
After the work its usually thrown somewhere. Who cares!

The freakin CD collection
Yeah the CD collection. Indians consider the CD and DVDs to be holy and precious. From the  CHIP cds from the 90`s to the blue ray disk, every single disk is well preserved. Just in case we need the Yahoo messenger 2.2 and also Windows 98 and also maybe Wordstar

The super friggin "Original CD collection"
Yeah these are the CDs for which one has to pay money... the original XP CD, the original VSNL internet CD, the original "Kaho na pyaar hai" vcd
The CDs and floppies that come with new hardware and the seller warns the user "keep it safely". He did not mean "till eternity"
They are kept in a separate soft CD case. And usually not all the family members know of its existence

All said and done, the desi PC is the new king of the house. It has captured the place of the erstwhile TV. The pride of the family, it has some time to bask in glory......


Abhijit Patharkar said...

Awesome stuff Dude

saurabh singh said...

nice :)

vilde said...


company laptop... its true :D

Shivkumar said...


Anvith said...

Man I could totally relate to each and every word you wrote..:D. Awesome stuff!!!

"There is a speciality of the boys drive. You select all the files and it will be of the size 78.3 GB. Then you go and see that the drive actually consumes 698 GB. Hows that possible is upto you to guess :D"


kklowanshi said...

Good one Kartik :). First post in 2011...

harshad said...

super cool dude .. just a flash back to old school days...
n that stuff of boys drive of 698GB is just a doosra(should get out on it 200%)

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