Sunday, October 18, 2009

Yappy diwali

Well we were not celebrating Diwali at home. Rohit called me up to his place to celebrate. Coool! I said and ....

Bhatt doing Pooja:
Ok i agree its a Pj but that thought got a smile on my face so its up here :P. Kausik (yeah its spelled in a lame way.. its not Kaushik) came out of the bathroom naked (ok its just for the effect... he came with a towel on) and was eager to do some pooja. Voila! He fished out a small ganpati murti from his bag and did some rituals and stuffed it back!
"Laxmi pooja wagere kuch?", I inquired.
"Arey sabkuch ho gaya hai. Go and see there.." said Rohit.
I went there piously and was puzzled. "Abbey yeh to hanumanji hai !!"
"Arey haan haan sirf yehi photo thaa" said rohit :)
When I peeped inside I saw the main Pooja diya was also a kinky aromatic candle in Apple shape.
"No comments please." pleaded Rohit.

Diwali ka Diya
Later we all lit up diyas all over the place(this time normal diyas). The diyas were not the usual earthern ones but made of aluminium. We all went to the bedroom (The laptop was there u bastards..not for ....). Kausik started sniffing and said "Yeh tatti jaisa smell kyon aa raha hai?"
"Abbey woh diya jal raha hai na.. uska wax hai" said someone.
The one in the bedroom was kept on a piece of furniture. Then the entire Diya caught fire. Rohit was about to blow it off when we all interfered
"Abbey diwali ka diya hai.. bujhaa mat saale"
He agreed and we kept staring at the Diya.The wax in it started boiling and all.. When it finally went kaputt we picked it up.
"Aila! woh furniture bhi jal gaya!"Crappp! there was a huge fucking black mark left.

Diwali ka diya !! Mat bujhaao! Ab kyaa be ! house owner bahut chillayegi!!!

The solutions proposed.
Solution #1: Tell her that its a teeka we put so that "Furniture ko nazar na lage!"
Solution #2:Change the ply. But as it was in some wierd shitty color we had doubts whether we would get the same shade.
Solution #3: Put a sticker on it. We had two choices. Either put some football club sticker (It would be really uncool to remove it) or we could put a Gods sticker. "Arey woh ganpati ka 3d pic milta hai ekdum amazing idhar se kuch sur pose udhar se kuch aur... "Nobody would dare to remove God`s sticker!.

We finally moved out butts to a nice place called shisha. Lovely ambience. We decided to order a shisha. After a bit of discussing, we decided to order Blueberry. We asked him which one he would recommend. "Apple, mint, lasun adrak,shit....(everything except blueberry).
jaa bhaad mein we still ordered Blue berry hookah.
when it came.. everyone had a puff and were like "sahi hai".."kuch alag hai" "Masst"
Then after sometime he came up and said there was some fault with the thing.
"Boss ...badal rahe ho toh kuch doosra flavour le aana" "Haan"everyone agreed in unison.
He said it will be fixed with a coal change. "Koiii naa.... yeh bhi ultimate hai..."

When u decide its awesome and u will have fun... screw the world!

For food, I was skeptical abt the veg stuff. We ordered Lasagne.
"Ek lasaaagneee"
"Lasaaniaaa! ok "said the waiter.
Man i need some finishing classes. No wait. None of our amrikee clients pronounce my name correctly. So screw it.

Leching at hotties
The place had good number of hotties at that time. Anytime someone would get bored, he would leave for the loo and have a nice look here and there:P
Then came a hottie with a relatively short skirt (well i have seen shorter...but this was also an eye candy). "
"Ab kisi ko loo aayegaaa... Abbey udhar ka loo sahi hai"... While peeing u can enjoy the jazz music being played downstairs.. This time I went to the loo.... for the music (not for pervertish fun)

Back street boys..
While heading back home.. we were happy high. We switched on FM radio and they were playing the oldish pop. Backstreet boys, N sync, britney and all
"eeeeeeeee" said someone. "Abbey chup! yahi toh sun sun ke bada hue hai hum log!" said another. "Koi bola ki he has not listened to Govinda or backstreet boys then he is faking"
True. we are from a generation who grew up on "Philips top ten" and things like that.. :P

Well in the end, it was one of the most fulfilling diwali celebrations ever. With everything right. From the place to the food. Awesome :)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Turning Brain

Rohit (In bihari accent): Abbey pehli baar train mein jaa rahe ho kyaa?
Well I have been travelled in train many many times... But yes this is the first time I will be in a train with an eye for details :P
Well i went to hyderabad last weekend. The journey is just of 11 hours. That has made sure that the article wont be much long :P

Leching at hotties
Aadat se majboor.... Well usually ur mom knows what an awara kind u are. Thats why usually we all act sober and sajjanish when she`s around. But weekend pe holiday crowd thaa.... I could not resist...I came up with a way to lech when some hottie is around.
Well if the chick is at ur 1 o`clock (guys know what i am saying).. then start a sweep scan from 9` o clock towards 1. when u reach 1 ...make it sloww....get some nain sukh..(or do some chakshu chodhan as rohit calls it) and then continue till 3. This way no one notices that you actually turned ur head for that lass :P

Seat kiska hai
Well the booking was done on my debit card (proud proud). When we reached our cubicle (I dunno what its called in train lingo) one more guy came and rested his ass on my seat. Shit! mebbe my balance was not enough that they cancelled my ticket (mebbe it was part of the 3% cut :P). It had once happened to a frnd of mine. He boarded the train on the wrong date and was fighting with the right guy! I did not want to be a fool.. So I checked the printout again. Everything allright. I asked him to check his. everything allright he said :( . I wish I was more spendthrift. He wished there were fewer idiots in the world. Gooo Khaa!!! I snatched the paper from him and checked it.. The seat no was right :( but the compartment was not... hheeehaww.. hadd haaddd haad :)

Its a its a Four!
I was looking out of the window and some come came to me and clapped loudly. I saw it was a beggar. I said 'naaah'. That person yelled at me: "Kyaa re chakke ko paisa nahi deta!"
Dude ! that person was looking like a woman. proper woman. Anyway I shoooed her/him/it away. But the wierdest eunuch ever met :P
Then I heard another clap and turned around only to get the biggest shock of my life! L&T ka chakka!!! Dude it was getting creeepy now.... Then I realized that the guy in the L&T teeshirt was just laughing with his frnds and clapped while laughing. Sheeeeesh

Wari gone haywire
In the space near the door there was one warkari sitting on the floor. Plain simple humble guy with meagre belongings. I was waiting for my turn in the loo. One chai waala came and payed due respect to the warkari and was chatting with him. He enquired where he was going and then warned him that dude the train is going to Hyderabad and not Pandharpur. His words were 'Ram ram ram' His expression said "Holy shit what to do now!". The dude kept on moving in circles wondering what to do only to sit back wherever he was hanging out before and got off at the next station.

Tales of the tatti
Well finally my turn came and I went into the loo... The train was moving (obviously) in jerks and I had a hard time doing the job. There is actually a handle to hold on (No dont hold the other one. Its called the flush and if ur luck is bad it will give u a shower too).
I remembered my childhood. I was taken to a park where one guy was giving horse rides. I cried till my dad put me on the horse. I cried very loudly till he got me off the horse. It was a terrible experience. The horse was moving like crazy and i held on anything i could lay my hands on.
My response was: "Bhaiinchoodd"
But my vocabulary only allowed me to say... "waaaaaaaa"
It was same here. The only difference was that I was also doing something more. Or mebbe during the horseride I crapped my pants too :P dont remember.

The bad thing abt hyderabad is that all the meters in the autorickshaws are fucked. So you have to negotiate and bargain for every ride. In case you are like me who does not know which place is far and which is near, you will be ripped off in each and every ride. I had to go to a place everyday and I realized that it takes 12 bucks to reach there (After paying 40,30,20 and finally one meter was working which said 12 is the amt). One day when I stopped a rickshaw and asked how much for 'Paradise circle' he said 5 rupeees...
Ek number!! All my losses would be recovered now!! Heehawww...
I jumbed into it... Only to realize that one fat lady entered from the other side and two chillar pillar (kids) hopped in behind me.
I thought may be they thought they have stopped it. The driver started the rickshaw. "Bhaiiya ruko main utartaa hoon"
Driver: Kyon saab?
Me: (Trying to a gentleman) Yeh lady aur bacchon ko jaane do.
Driver: Nahi ..baith jao
Me (puzzzled): Aise kaise?
Driver: Saahab yeh rickshaw sher hai

(For the dumbfucks he meant "yeh shared rickshaw hai")

I am waiting for my next trip to ... well anywhere