Saturday, August 29, 2009

Pichwada mein pineapple

Well just few hours ago a super huge goof up from my side had been discovered by my Team. It will mean a big client escalation on Monday. When I was pulled up for a justification, I was astonished to know what all things were racing through my mind.. I did not care anymore about the problem or how many people were looking at me when i was being fired..... I was thinking the following shit :

You meant THAT?
Well try to blame the person who is trying to blame you in the first place. Try to convince him that a conversation asking for that work never took place. If you are unlucky like me and the other person fishes out a mail with all the shit written clearly... read on

I told him:
Well you knew it is important. Now make your subordinate an eternal bakra by giving him vague perfectionist instructions. yeah I mean instructions like "Make sure there are no bugs" or "Understand everything properly first". Now as you have ensured that earthquakes and swine flu is also taken care of by ur subordinate....chillaxxxx and shove him in the front. If you are an unlucky bastard (like me ) who does not have a subordinate...read on

I thought... : Well try to blame the same old story...communication gaps... One thing that has bothered countless couples...countless parents... is communication! Well try to explain that you have got it right ..but your way.... you interpreted the stuff in such a way that it ended up the way it is. Typically your ass will be saved after just a mild reprimand or self correction by ur boss. If God hates you so much that you do not even have a fucked up version running (like me)...read on

Minor sa issue hai: Now try to calm your boss down by playing down the issue. "Ohhh itna sa hi toh hai". Pretend to solve it then and there by blabbering some random suggestion like "aah I got it... just change the value from 10 to 13 and ....yeah " Try to snatch the mouse and keyboard from her/him and try to fix it on his desk itself. This should be enough to freak him off and pack you offf to fix it at your desk asap. If you have so much of bad karma that its a discussion room without code access (like me)...read on

Gaayaab: This happened just a few days back. Again a goof up (not this big) in the Test release build. When the QA guy brought it to the notice of my manager.... I over heard it ...Craaaaap....
what to do...the goof up is so silly that there is no excuse. The implications so serious that there will be no excuse. My manager looked at me and she said "Kartik!!!"
I did not dare give a look..... I claimed I was in middle of something really important and critical... called up a colleague on extension and was discussing some (seemingly) super critical stuff. My manager backed off and she said "Karo karo... baad mein baat karte"... I was staring at my screen intensely and sratching my head intermittently till lunch time... After that the matter was forgotten.
Only thing in todays case was that in dicussion room I did not have any thing with me :( ...read on

Khol ke baitho: This is wat my friend says when all the options are over.. "Khol ke baitho aur bolo aaoo..maaro....ghus jaao....". His entire advice: "kutta jaisa shakal banao" "aisa baat karo ki tum aisa kar hi nahi saktaa" "chup chaap sunlo"
Mind it ...it really works.

Title of the post: Well the title of the post is because of an incident in our cafeteria. Once we were discussing what kind of punishments must be given in hell. (Our next destination). Now what did we really do that we were so sure of going to hell...will be my some future post. One guy started explaining stuff from mythology ..kumbhipakam..krimibhojanam.... Then one teammate interrupted him in a garish bihari tone.... "Abbey woh sab kuchhh naaiii ... .maine ek movie dekhaa "little nikki" ...usme bataayaa hai..... hell mein pichwada mein pineapple hota hai". I still burst out into laughter whenever I am reminded of that :)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Flop Show

Since my childhood i had lots of keeda in me. Tinkering with things, fixing stuff .. I thought I would be a newton ...when I grow up. Well I think that the apple (or peru as I am indian) should fall on the right spot. Or mebbe I still did not grow up :). Now I am going to take you down my memory lane and show you all the places where I goofed up while being a wannabe scientist :P

Micromouse:
Well micromouse is a robot like thing which guides itself though a maze. It was something every engineering student wanted to make. Me and few friends from college got together and the project kicked off.The electronics were designed by none other than me. All others had awesome awesome expectations: One asked whether it would be too fast. One was planning what he would do with the prize money. When we finally soldered the last piece of wire, ... lo and behold ..nothing happened...nothing ever happened.... we went to the micromouse event... leched at some hot chicks...had a nice time and came back.

Train: This was our ninth standard science project. We saw in some book about a toy locomotive which we could make with very basic stuff. Me and my school friends Chaitanya, Tushar, Varun took up this ambitious project. We underestimated our trains weight and overestimated the power of the teeny weeny electric motor. The only time the wheels used to rotate was when I picked up the train in my hand :( We had no time nor patience to add up a motor or do anything to it.. Wild ideas were being thrown in.. like distracting the teacher to look elsewhere and we kicking the train so that it moved. Finally Tushar suggested that we could pick up his sisters last year project and show it as ours... It was a huge blow to our ego..But just few hours before the submission we refurbished the old one.. and hoped that it looked like new. The teacher liked the project so much that she wanted to put it up in the science exhibition. :)
Nahiiii!! said Tushar. He explained that that project had already won last year and the only reason we were not caught was that this teacher was a different one. In exhibition it would definitely be caught.
We decided to act smart and told the teacher that the project broke while taking it home and it already had been thrown in the garbage..phewwww

MiniProject: Well this project was done in my engg college. The project was a simple database project. During the testing of the project we put in funny names in the database. when it was the time for the demo, we proudly showed off our system.. First entry: ass
Second entry: Choo$%^&. Our face became pale and we quickly sped through the demo. Nothing happened :)

Radio: Well I fancied a wireless headphones which i saw on the net. Supercool stuff.. But it was available only in amrikaaa. So we decided to build an indigenous one. So we thought. Me and my friend Chintan went to budhwar peth.. no no not because its a a red light area.. but because its a wholesale market of electronic components. We saw a circuit on the net and decided to make it ourself. The total cost was around 500 for all the parts. It was huge money back then. we got it home... happily soldered the parts... That bloody thing never worked.. :'( Next time when we went to the same area (actually for buying parts for micromouse ;) ) we saw that the same working one was availabe for sale for .... rupees 30 ..waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Fireproof paper: Well this one takes the cake. Again in school. Again for our science project. Those were the days when there was not internet for us. We used to rely on some super outdated books for our projects. I read up somewhere that I could make .......a paper fireproof. Hoodibaba
So confident I was with the idea that we did not move our ass a bit till the last date. The project was simple.. Apply alum on a paper. It will become fireproof.Just a day before the submission, I realized that the grocers did not understand what alum meant and I did not know the word in Hindi/Marathi. So I called up my proj partner and told him to do the handiwork. Next day our apparatus was ready. I delivered the introductory 'speech'. I claimed that in future all the special documents will use our technique. The teacher looked quite impressed. I took a match stick, lit it up and declared "This is our fireproof paper!" and tried to put it on fire. The paper was turned into ashes within seconds. I immediately burst into laughter. The teacher`s face was worth seeing. so was my proj partners. Then I realized the gravity of the situation and I was upset that the project did not work. I actually blamed my partner that he did not put enough alum on it.

Thomas Edison said "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Well I am still trying to find the count where i can stop and frame my quote :D

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Ghinastic

Ghinastic... well this is a word coined by my friend to describe 'ghinau'. Well for the people who are well versed with hindi know that this article is not for ones with a weak heart. For the others... this article will describe all those incidents in my life which made me/my friends say "ewwwwwwwww"

Slumdog Silly-onaire
This incident took place when i was in school. We had a project thingy for which i had to go to my friends place after school. While going to his place we had to go through this slum. I noticed that one kulfiwala was going past us. I wanted to have it. My friend was shocked at the desire. But then i coaxed him into it. Chappri toh it was, It did not cost us more than 2-3 ruppees and we were happily licking it off. Then came one kinetic honda and we heard some 'eeeee' type screams. We looked at those people and realized that they were girls from our class. we were feeling soooooo embarrassed and instantly my friend started blaming me for it :) while i continued licking it blissfully.

Baal Baal bache
Once I had got appams to school and as usual they were attacked by all the people. I noticed that one particular appam was not getting attacked.Happy that I wont be starved, when i picked it up i saw that it had a hair in it. , I pulled out the hair and gobbled it.. ewwwww was the response.

Matki
This incident happened very recently when I became a health freak and started getting sprouts to office for snacks. One particular day i forgot to have those sprouts during the day. As luck would have it I had to stay up in office till very late. At 2 in the night I was feeling very hungry. I remembered the sprouts and opened the box. The smell was as if I opened the manhole of a gutter. Immediately I went to my colleague and said "Hey sprouts khaana hai? Spl masaala daal ke laaya hai". The poor (and hungry ) boy leapt at it and had a spoonful of it and spat it down. (He did not have the space left to say ewwwww) I had a good evil laugh.

Kela
Same other guy. The culprit was my other colleague. He gifted a banana to this guy, Who once again hungry accepted it greedily and kept it aside. When the night came in... (Yeah we work a lot ...or mebbe we dont thats why we have to stay up :P ) He peeled it and it was all sticky brownish...(i can hear some eeew frm u ). It was obviously unedible. But i challenged him to eat it and he managed one or two bites but then gave up sat down stroking his tummy.. "abbey bahut kharaab thaa" ...Next day the one who gave the banana said that it was rotting at his place with fleas and ants on it .. he just got it for fun and this guy actually ate it up... ewwwwww

Ewwww
Well this is my personal favourite. I used to visit my grandma during summer vacations. Once during the night i was feeling very thirsty. I did not have the balls to go to the kitchen all alone and have water. I decided to steal grandmas water. I knew that she kept a vessel with her. I slowly tiptoed to her and grabbed the vessel and gulped down. I felt something in the vessel. It was her dentures... ewww ewww even today I get nauseated when I recollect those moments.

The baap
This is the baap of the eewws. This one inspired this article. Once my friend was boasting how cleanliness freak he was. He was describing how they had to clean the toilet once in few months when their parents visited their flat. We all were impressed by his habits. Then he said "Yaar sometimes the shit on it is soo stuboorn that it does not go off".. We laughed and asked him what does he do...
The reply was"No option but i scratch it off with my nails"
Till this date i shudder to shake hands with him. (ewww is teeny weeny for this.)