Sunday, July 26, 2009

Hard'ly' working techies

Ok this article will not be posted in our company blog..Well status meetings can be interesting when your work status indicates that you have been coming to the office primarily to warm the chair.
Many times we give the status of some task though the real status is something else... "my" observations:

Status: I will investigate:
Actual Status: You have no idea what the task is
You have been assigned some task. You have been given a deadline. Your colleagues suddenly look too busy to help (spoonfeed) you. You have no idea what it actually means. You dont dare to ask again for a detailed explanation (cos you confidently nodded and pretended you got everything). You dont know what to do :D

Status: Thoda baaki hai
Actual Status: Chalu karna hai
Well the investigation phase is over now. Your frantic search on revealed that with some more clever searching you will get a ready made snippet. You sit back and relax. God bless codeproject:)

Status: I have an idea
Actual Status: Someone ..somewhere faraway has an idea. And that someone is NOT you.
This is a phase where you dont worry about the task much. Someone has already slogged in for you. You have the code. You just have to integrate and compile it..heehawwww

Status: Its done but...
Actual Status: The compiler is giving just one error. otherwise everything looks good.
Well you integrated it and compiled it.. its not compiling... you search the place where you downloaded the code for some clues... you will find one or two people already shouting about the same problem... but noone is caring :( Lateron when it actually compiles the output is nowhere as nice as the screenshot shown. It resembles one of the forwarded mails having celeb pics with and without makeup.

Status:We will have to look into this
Actual status: Now 'we' will have to sit down and actually think about the solution.
well the 'we' meant that you sincerely wish that there is atleast one more soul for helping you out. Its humiliating when you alone get a dressing down. Its fun when you are with some one else. Its thrilling when its the entire group getting f`ed in the a.

Status: What the f....
Actual status: your code is alright..someone else has done some shit and ur code is not working.Yes mere cheeteeh you are the hero someelse is the zero. you get angry.. shout and scream cos its because of these morons that the world is what it is today. You wish that person did not exist..

Status: Oh No
Actual status: There is no someone. you have fucked up something.
The expletive is removed as the culprit is yourself. Well sometimes you are the zero. You try to cool people down. You give out a biggg big smile trying to be sweet and nice. (indicating that though the code is screwed now are actually such a nice person ). The world is not such a bad place to live...yaar. You wish you had read the instructions before copy pasting the code which said that the code works only when there is a solar eclipse happening.

Well well such is the life of a techie. One of my friends actually claimed that he had finished the code and only thing remaining was checking in the code. He had not started with it at all. The managers demands for a demo was a cat and mouse chase. Later on somehow he managed to get it done by some teammate and voilaaa "it worked" :)

Monday, July 6, 2009

Life at 'Bug'eerath

This week I will finish my two years as a Software engineer . Those two years included years of coding, designing, discussion, goof ups, conversations over coffee, etc etc. Whatever a software engineer might be actually working on, there are certain things which tag along the software engineer. Those are bugs. Classically specified as high priority,critical, show stopper, etc etc. I will classify them 'My way' and will also suggest how to work them out (any additions, suggestions are welcome )

Bug Type 1: Its a Feature bitch!
The customer/ client calls up and complains that there is something wrong with the working of the software. Immediately you go in the defensive mode and say "abbey tumne hi toh bola thaa aisa chahiye!" . Whatever might be the reason why that thing is there, it will be a pain in your ass.
Recommended procedure: You should convince the customer/client how its much better now and how his life would have been in trouble if you had not implemented this. If you are good at convincing you might actually get a round of applause, perks, or atleast cadbury perk :D (I agree it was a bad one)

Bug Type 2:Holy crap !It IS a bug!
Well this is a genuine bug. Yes you f***ed it up. Yes you were thinking of naked women when the client was explaining the requirements.(ok naked men too...lets not be sexist..377 is legal now :D) Yes you forgot to handle the exception because you wanted to join your team for snacks.Yes you thought that its not a big deal. But it is a big deal now!
Recommended procedure:Its crystal clear that you are the one who is responsible. There are two ways of handling this. Either you own up, gulp down the scolding and all the embarrassment ..or you disappear!! Yeah one of my friends actually disappeared for almost a week when he had goofed up big time. By the time he came back everything was forgotten.

Bug Type 3: You had already fixed it!
You know you have fixed it. Your manager knows you havent. You remember fixing it and seeing the right results. Your teammates say you were sleeeping (dreaming) on the desk at that time.
Recommended procedure: Well this type of stuff is difficult to overcome. Either blame a crashed machine, some third person who has left the team (or a person who is still in the team but you hate him/her) or fix it up ASAP.

Bug type 4: Its a hush hush affair!
Big people always do it. Its a classic case of andar kuch aur bahar kuch aur. Well the entire team knows that this bug exists. The entire team pretends that they dont. Its usually implemented as a entry in the internal (secret) bug sheet. Its fixed and secretly shipped as part of the next release.
Recommended procedure: Well you are part of it. So dont be a spoil sport. Just dont forget that bug.

Bug type 5: Its a scandal!
Well this type of bugs are similar to the above type but there is one difference. Your boss does not know the goof up! Your peers know about it. your peers blackmail you to fetch coffee for them. You are always scared thinking what if the manager comes to know this.
Recommended procedure: Well dont get intimidated. If someone tries to threaten you, ask them to go ahead and tell the manager. 95% of the people wont go and tell. But there are some losers who actually do. (in short, be prepared for a big thing in ur...)

Bug type 6: Dirty secret!
This is the Baaap of all bugs. While coding, in order to meet deadline (or if you just dont care :P) you leave out some stuff or maro short cuts. No one exept you knows it. Usually its some very bad programming practice or some hard coded values. You are sure that no one will ever come to know about it.
Recommended procedure: Make sure no one actually does know about it. You are your own enemy. Over a drink (or over 'many' drinks) , or when you are over happy/ over excited about confess what you have done and next moment you regret it. :D

Well whatever might be the reason, whatever might be the consequences, bugs are part of our life. Know the tricks of the trade and you rule the roost.

For the uninitiated: Bhageerath is the name of our office building :)