Saturday, April 25, 2009

Techie tips to impress....

"Beta tum computer engineer ho?"
ME: "Haan"
budhiya: "Beta hamaara computer bighad gaya hai... mera beta usa mein hain...tum computer theek kar sakte ho?"
ME:(thinking) "Kar sakte ho!! apun ko challenge!!"
ME:(Speaking) "Haan main dekhoonga"
budhiya: "Internet connect nahi hota hai"
ME: "accha? do minute mein kar deta hu" (This attitude always gets me into shit)
After an hour i finally figured out that there was no problem with the computer but the internet connection had to be renewed. Problem solved. The hero comes home. Thinks.Why only me?

After years of experience in the computer field (okay two years of ex is valid enough to be described as "years")I figured out some ways to impress unknown (and unsuspecting) people. I will nicely sort out my stuff into categories of vulnerability
Category one: Students and wannabe professionals
These are your juniors still in college or ur peers from jhaatu companies (I sincerely hope my mom does not read this). These people look up to you and (atleast in front of u) will want to become like u someday.
To impress these people you will have to throw words such as "standards", "high priority bug fixes", installer scripts, etc etc.. You try to show that whatever the students cannot do ...u have to do it on the fly... lo and behold they will become ur bhakt and will follow u all around the campus like ganesh visarjan

Category two: professionals from a single field
These are the kind of people who have worked in a particular field for long time enough. They try to show off that they know everything of some thing.
scene two. You enter. You want to steal the limelight. Here comes interop to the rescue. see.. Interop is something which is used to bridge between two technologies and stuff...(thats what i think and has worked well with me till date).
You: so mr Java that day i was working on JNI i could not call a c++ function using the java classes..any idea why the environment could not be loaded.
Mr Java: (thinking)aicha gho...faatli re..
Mr Java : (Speaking) yaar i work on core Java. I have heard that JNI is complex to use. (Point scored :) )

Category Three: while facing interviews
During interviews basically you have to sell yourself. You have to prove the interviewer how fortunate he is to find a candidate like u.
step one: find something in ur technology that is done only when some super fundoo things are needed.. (e.g. using the /3g switch in windows,etc)
step two: Show that your previous project was super fundoo and those cool things found out in step one were recommended by u.
Step Three: The super fundoo project was a top secret one. Every techie signs a non disclosure agreement but never actually follows it.. Now you should use it for your own benefit. So a billing mgmt software for walmart becomes Topsecret financial analysis software for top us company. create hava hava and more hava
Discuss the super high end things and show as if the basic questions he is asking is for kids and u studied them when u were in kg :P

category Four :Non IT public
These are the easiest of the preys. ultimate bakra. They dont understand any shit about what u are talking and try to show as if they are understanding. Pepping up your talk with words like "office 2013" (it does not matter that after all its office..what matters that u have the super latest version of it..2013!).Also non IT people are usually jealous of the international exposure IT ppl get. So claiming to have met the client from the US (too routine) or switzerland , giving them titbits of some foreign chocolates will sweep them off.. :D

Category Five: Getting laid
If you know any trick by which a techie might get laid .. please let me knw :)


Siddhesh said...

For laying, you can try impressing a fellow co-worker who is stressed in work by just avoiding the tech talk and offering a cold hand to perp up her office work, it doesn't matter if you don't do, cos in the end you come clean without guilt and she is all guilty and will request you, don't tell anyone about it.
Don't worry dear, I won't compromise your integrity... :P

Siddhesh said...

Btw yo...the tips are to the point, i use the word web 3.0, Ajax processing to shut Mr. Java mouth... :P

And oh yes, when you go deeper into java, the common reply i got was...oh no that is java springs...i work on java struts...:P

Kartik Sura said...

i will definitely try ur advice...but i dont have chicks in my team aur mujhe 'dostana' nahi badhaana hai... :D

Kartik Sura said...

oh no that is java springs...i work on java struts...
HAHA I have heard this kind of replies so many times...awesome :D

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