Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Where is my randi

Ok..though the title of the article might suggest that I might describe my escapades but I will actually tell u some of the real life incidents which have shocked unsuspecting people around me...the culprit being the same words having really different meaning in telugu/hindi/English.

The holiest of the screw ups is when one of my friends,Kunal went to the Holy town of Tirupati for getting some blessings and stuff (though i think his parents wanted some blessing and this guy was dragged along :D). So these people went to the main temple to take darshan. The pujari looked at them and said "rape randi!". Kunal must have thougt "yoooho at last my prayers have been answered!" while his parents were too shocked to respond. We must have heard something else....but why is our boy grinning so much? "rape randi!! (with eyes widened)"said the pujari again. The boy became more happy as it seemed like a compulsory rule there. Then some person in the line realized that these people are not understanding telugu and explained that "Rape randi" means "Come tomorrow ".

The reverse thing happened once when i went to my native place. I am used to talkin in marathi with my sister. I was talkin to her ,"something something something fuck the 5rs something something". Those 2-3 golden words caused my cousins to freak out and one of them ran away to her parents and obviously she was asked to stop playing with us :'(. Actually fuckthe 5 rupees means "only 5 rupees" in marathi...poor me.

The third kind was due the fusion of telugu and hindi. Once some neighbour aunty was at my place and was talking to my mom. and i was playing here and there..or whatever.
Suddenly my mom remembered that she had kept some milk on the stove. She called me and asked me to turn off the stove. Then she asked me loudly "Doodh pe mooota hai kyaa". I burst into laughter. I dont know whether my mom realized it or not, but the aunty also started laughing. 'moota' means lid in telugu. the hindi telugu fusioned up sentence meant that did i pee into the milk! heeehawww

Well there there are lots of other such examples such as kanth which means throat in hindi :D and i dont want to describe what it means in english ;)

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Techie tips to impress....

"Beta tum computer engineer ho?"
ME: "Haan"
budhiya: "Beta hamaara computer bighad gaya hai... mera beta usa mein hain...tum computer theek kar sakte ho?"
ME:(thinking) "Kar sakte ho!! apun ko challenge!!"
ME:(Speaking) "Haan main dekhoonga"
budhiya: "Internet connect nahi hota hai"
ME: "accha? do minute mein kar deta hu" (This attitude always gets me into shit)
After an hour i finally figured out that there was no problem with the computer but the internet connection had to be renewed. Problem solved. The hero comes home. Thinks.Why only me?

After years of experience in the computer field (okay two years of ex is valid enough to be described as "years")I figured out some ways to impress unknown (and unsuspecting) people. I will nicely sort out my stuff into categories of vulnerability
Category one: Students and wannabe professionals
These are your juniors still in college or ur peers from jhaatu companies (I sincerely hope my mom does not read this). These people look up to you and (atleast in front of u) will want to become like u someday.
To impress these people you will have to throw words such as "standards", "high priority bug fixes", installer scripts, etc etc.. You try to show that whatever the students cannot do ...u have to do it on the fly... lo and behold they will become ur bhakt and will follow u all around the campus like ganesh visarjan

Category two: professionals from a single field
These are the kind of people who have worked in a particular field for long time enough. They try to show off that they know everything of some thing.
scene two. You enter. You want to steal the limelight. Here comes interop to the rescue. see.. Interop is something which is used to bridge between two technologies and stuff...(thats what i think and has worked well with me till date).
You: so mr Java that day i was working on JNI i could not call a c++ function using the java classes..any idea why the environment could not be loaded.
Mr Java: (thinking)aicha gho...faatli re..
Mr Java : (Speaking) yaar i work on core Java. I have heard that JNI is complex to use. (Point scored :) )

Category Three: while facing interviews
During interviews basically you have to sell yourself. You have to prove the interviewer how fortunate he is to find a candidate like u.
step one: find something in ur technology that is done only when some super fundoo things are needed.. (e.g. using the /3g switch in windows,etc)
step two: Show that your previous project was super fundoo and those cool things found out in step one were recommended by u.
Step Three: The super fundoo project was a top secret one. Every techie signs a non disclosure agreement but never actually follows it.. Now you should use it for your own benefit. So a billing mgmt software for walmart becomes Topsecret financial analysis software for top us company. create hava hava and more hava
Discuss the super high end things and show as if the basic questions he is asking is for kids and u studied them when u were in kg :P

category Four :Non IT public
These are the easiest of the preys. ultimate bakra. They dont understand any shit about what u are talking and try to show as if they are understanding. Pepping up your talk with words like "office 2013" (it does not matter that after all its office..what matters that u have the super latest version of it..2013!).Also non IT people are usually jealous of the international exposure IT ppl get. So claiming to have met the client from the US (too routine) or switzerland , giving them titbits of some foreign chocolates will sweep them off.. :D

Category Five: Getting laid
If you know any trick by which a techie might get laid .. please let me knw :)

Taste of illiteracy

Well am writing this post when I am supposed to study for my device driver exam..(damn it ...whenever i have to study i end up blogging!) Well I am posting after a long time after my colleague vilde suggested that I should write more... Well I dont know whether its for good reading or he wants something to make fun of :P

Hmm... I come from a type of family which had migrated to Pune long long time back leaving our native place. I speak Telugu at home. But that's the only place where I speak Telugu. That the problem...yeah that has assured that i can speak only toota foota telugu and cannot read or write it :( Yeah that means i am officially a telugu illiterate guy!

Everything is fine as long as i keep my ass in Pune.... Telugu is cool and serves as a wonderful secret language...(I can comment abt anything/anybody without anyone except mom/sis understanding a word out of it). But the pandora`s box is opened when i get my ass to Hyderabad. Yeah the story starts here ...

Everybody is bogged down by illiterate people at Bus stands, Railway stations, hotels etc. Those people expect us to explain the entire schedule/menu and also suggest them the best option. Well My friend happened to be on the other side for a change. Yeah the illiterate side. Due to the over patriotism shown by most of the states towards their official language, these people have all the information on the buses in telugu. So my friend Santosh (sorry for introducing him late...i forgot) was in the holy town of Tirupati for the blessings of Lord Venkateshwara so that he would do well in studies (pass in the exams :D ). There he was at the bus stand (obviously waiting for the bus..not for begging...i said taste of illiteracy not taste of poverty...remember?) . Brummm drummm pom pom comes the Bus ..with all the hustle bustle around ..he tried to focus his eyes and zoom in on the destination....zoooom 5 %10% 100%..jalebi jalebi jalebi...All he could see was something written in jalebi like language. Frustrated..he went to the nearest person...and asked him "Where does this bus go?" (In telugu) The other person`s face changed...
agrily he said to my friend ,"!@#$^@#@!! Why are u making fun of me"
(the !@#$%$ was in telugu ...probably having references to his mother/sister).
He said to my friend "You look well educated and from a good family. Do u need spectacles?" My friend was wondering.."Kash chasme se kaam ho jaata"... He tried to explain that man that he could only speak telugu and not read it... his schooling....But after some more references to his mom/sister he gave up. On his way back he picked up a book "Learn Telugu in 30Days"..for the next time of course whenever that time came.

I just had a similar expirience. Ok, were u ever approached by a shabby looking person with a mobile phone asking you to recharge his cell phone using a coupon or worse recharge a airtel phone with a idea coupon? You give that person some instructions fataafat to make him disappear fataafat. Then with a blank face that person will shove his fone in ur face and beg you to punch in the required buttons to get the work done...You sigh but anyway will do it ..at least he will go away..
Yeah so i had a similar experience...of being that shabby irritating guy with the cell phone.. I was in the market in Hyderabad to get some freshly ground coffee. I went to the shop.and asked the person how much time will it take ...he said "bas do minute saahab "
I was thinking "saale tereku maggi nahi maanga hai coffe maanga hai"
Anyway I bought the beans and asked him to grind it. He said come after 10-15 minutes. I said i will be back in 20 minutes and he replied "haan saahab"...
Seeing so much of variation in time, I asked him to give his phone number so that i can call him before actually coming.
"rondu ondala yaabaay moodu ondala something something" said he
I thought he was uttering some holy mantras to ward off... mosquitoes and flies around his shop. So there was I with a question mark on my face and looking here and there trying to show how uncool he was .
But he did not mind.."rondu ondala yaabaay moodu ondala something something". Finally i gave up and gave him my cellphone to him and asked him to punch it out for me..
"Aaj ka young generation ekdum phaaltu ! kuch nahi aata!"after nicely feeding my pride to the dogs he gave my cell back and screamed "two hundered and fifty....I also know english!"
I was wishing i was the dog nearby..No not because dogs dont have numbers..because i could have bitten him and ran away :D

I am too lazy to buy any book to better myself.