Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Last day at Persistent

Well this day was bound to happen since I resigned two months back. But I never felt anything different about it. Till now. Well as I enter my office... suddenly it becomes different. I realize that all the things I am doing.. I am doing for the last time. From flashing my id in front of the guard to going out of the exit.
The general feeling is that usually we neglect so many small things during our usual course of life. The pantry where we spend time gossiping, the favourite spots we have for doing stuff, the discussion rooms. I started noticing it on the last day :P
Even logging into my system has a feel to it. because it was my machine. Last day  I realized I had so many friends around and so may be many more of I had looked around earlier. One particular thing I observed was that as I was passing  by various places/ things... the memories attached to those places started flashing across my mind. The enthu with which we pumped iron in the gym, the way the entire team used to storm the loo, those coffee machine pranks (swapping tea powder with coffee),

Pantry: This was the place where most of the idle time used to be spent. I have fond memories having tasty banana chips before the recession fucked us all and they started keeping Marie. More than the pantry its the gala time we had. We used to have tea every 2 hours. Like a wedding baaraat the entire team used to go together. Our laughter used to be so loud that people used to recognize that its us even if they were sitting far away.

Cafeteria: Thats the favourite place for most of the employees. No its not for the food. Its for seeing faces. Not always of chicks. After spending whole day seeing the same faces of the people in your team, its a relief to see some different faces. Yeah and chicks. Such was the reputation of our lecherous team that we used to joke that no girl would dare to sit in the 15 mts radius from us. This is the place where most of the gossips start.
Who looks frustrated (I guess most of us are)

Who is going out with whom?
Who is chaatoing whose ass?
And yes the food. Well the less said is better. From the jokes that the wierd tasting curd is actually made of dog milk (eww i knw) to sudhir taking truckloads of paneer. We were such losers that typically we used to not take atleast one item from the table. In case some new hot chick turned up, some one used to run to the table to stealthily read her name from her Id card.
I have seen so many girls take only one roti for lunch. one roti!! I seriously suspect that those girls must be bringing dabba to office (having 500 rotis) and they finish it up slealthily in their cubicles before they come up to have their 1 roti lunch. :P
Gym: I like this part. There was a phase when the entire team was fired up for doing gym. There is a hunk named Avinash who taught us all the nitty gritties of gymming. Such was the aura that we used to go to office for gym rather than work. We used to be such health freaks that we used to have proper diet all the time. Tea time was replaced by Protein shake time, snacks time was now sprouts time. The best thing was anda party. We used to get 10-15 eggs each and eat them in the afternoon. I had never boiled eggs.
Me: How to boil eggs?
Rohit: Arey nothing re... keep them in a vessel, cover it and let it boil for 20 mins.
Me: Oh cool ... But i need to keep a timer
Rohit: No re, u go and have bath and come back.
I followed the instructions and got the eggs to office. Awesome! Now when the anda party started, I took out one egg and cracked it on my desk. Shittt,.... It was not completely boiled and I messed my entire desk. Seems that I dont take 20 mins for a bath, though I wonder what Rohit does for such a long time in bathroom ;)
I reaally really miss gymming like that :(
Afternoon naps: This was the specialty of our team. After lunch atleast one of us used to go to the comfy couch and take a nice nap. No it was not the power nap which is recommended by management gurus. Its the big fucking lazy bum nap which used to last for 2 hours! Once coincidently the entire development team was napping and the Vice president came and saw us.  I opened my eyes , saw him and closed them again. The damage had been done. No use of damage control. Fuck it :P Later the other team members were shocked to knw that I did not care to wake them up.
Birthday celebrations: Yes we still cut cake and all on birthdays. Most of the time we dont even know who is the birthday bastard. It is a nice place for people to meetup. There are soo many people around nearby but we never meet them. We used to have a great time cracking jokes about each other and pulling each other`s leg for the greediness with which they pounce on the cake.
Once I was joking about the birthday boy.. as I did not know who this guy was.
Me: His name is so wierd. Sambhaji. What if someone asks you what did u have for lunch.. the answer would be "Some bhaji"
Others around: Rolling in laughter. One person not so laughing.
Later on he cut the cake. :D
Knowledge Transfer: Well these sessions are held so that the new person does not feel fucked when he has to clean up the shit. (fix the bugs). But those sessions were used to uncover mini-scams which no one else knew till now. Some illegal copyright violated code, some known corner cases which crashes the system, some super inefficient methods used. These were the things I never told anyone but thought that it would be better if they know now.
Cleaning up the desk: The desk will unearth a loadful of memories. Bills of team parties, photos, pens of team members, chocolates (I gave it away to Rohit cos I was not sure of the expiry date). But there were some things in it which i did not expect. There were two apples almost about to rot. There was one white lungi!! lungi in my desk! No idea how it ended up in my drawer.
Court Martial: Yeah this part was a bit touchy. During my last days .. I was not feeling that bad.. that was because all of my team mates, friends from office and my belongings were still there with me. At six o`clock I had to surrender my access card and my pc. I was all chilled about it till that guy said, "As soon as you surrender the access card you are supposed to leave the organization!". Crap!! I had loads of things to do.
I wanted to meet my team  mates as teammates for the last time. Wanted to meet my Manager as a manager for the last time. Usually my floor (Not mine anymore) is unguarded and I thought I will tailgate to my cubicle. But as luck would have it that day it was being guarded. That guard did not allow me to go inside! Within 10 minutes I could not even enter!! But ..Fuck fuckety fuck ..I dont give a fuck to the rules... The moment that guard went away, I tailgated inside and met all my people for the last time. Heehawww
Outside locations: One funny thing I observed is that on they way you will find many places which will remind you of moments spent. The pan shop, the chai waala, the ice cream waala, the beer waala :D
The feeling is awesome because u are so much in that mood.
The farewell dinner: Though not an official one, It was by my team and it was an awesome one. That time everyone  started bitching about the team, the manager, the company, the policies, the system and everything else. Such was the atmosphere that even the most decent guy in our team used swear words for the first time. Now thats an achievement. After that we went to Rohits house to have our own barbeque. It was so awesome because it was awesome.
Rs 50 for a big fat earthen pot
Rs 60 For charcoal (we bought 4 kgs but used only 2)
Rs 20 -30 for the kebab rods... (we used cycle spokes.. though we could do better)
Some chicken pieces, some paneer pieces, Ready made tandoori chicken masaala
And we had awesome fun at Rohit`s balcony. Its one of the most well arranged party decided on the fly.


Now while writing this article, I am sitting at home all the day, chilling out, relaxing and badly missing my team :)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

My personal list of things to do before you die

Hmm... So is this post gonna be wannabe`ish ? Am I trying to show that I am so cool?

The answer is Yes.
haha kidding you bastards. Well I will be sharing with you things which I did since my childhood which I repented doing at that time but now when I look back I feeel awesome...
Rather than asking you to do the same, I would like you to tell me similar kinda stuff in ur life.


Pee in the basin
Yeah right. Its awesome. Though it makes more sense for guys than girls. I bet once you do that you will never want to pee in the commode anymore. The height is soo appropriate that you wont need your hands ...
Note: Please control yourself to pee only. I cannot imagine someone doing number two there.. HAHAHA

Shop lift
Hmm this is the art where you go to buy object A (Or just inquire about its price) and while the shopkeeper is busy showing Object A , you slip some Object B in your pocket. The thrill is awesome.
Note: Malls are too boring and unchallenging. Try some grocery store /general store where there are many people on one counter.

Steal a vehicle.... from your dad
When I was in school I was not allowed to touch our two wheeler. I teamed up with my friend, got it repaired when dad was at office, and drove it all round the town till we ran out of fuel. I had to break my piggy bank for a litre of petrol. That was the first time I realized petrol was expensive.

Fake a bill
Well this not something really awesome. But it will give you a high the first time you do it. The best was when me and my friend over estimated a budget and split with the money so that we could run off somewhere awesome with our gf/bf.
For that I had to actually make fake receipts at home and come up with shady names such as 'Sunshine Dry Cleaners' and 'Mahalaxmi medicals' (The names are so generic that you will believe that these shops exist but you will never actually find the shop)

Steal 3d goggles
For the shop lifters, the next stage is to manage to steal the priceless 3d goggles from a theatre. There are so many guards at the exit door that its nearly impossible to smuggle it out. Me and my friend both managed to smuggle it out :D

Fake your Id proof
Is doing shady things a habit for you? Do you feel that your reputation will be down the drain when u are busted?
Well the best answer is to have a id which says that you are someone else. I had a fake college Id which was ever confiscation-ready (Rs 50 for a duplicate id was a big sum )
I had a friend who had a bundle of fake driving licences which he would submit instead of paying the fine:P The poor policeman used to think the chap is going to come back with money to take his card back :P

Have spikes
Well Dil chahta hai was awesomest movie of those days. Spikes like Aamir khan was the in thing to do. The problem: I dont look like him. The bigger problem: I look worse than my normal self when with spikes. I remember when I had come to college with newly done spikes, two girls were so uncontrollably laughing that they ran away to some other place .. :(

Fail in exam hopelessly
Those were the days when failing in exams was awesome. Single digit was super awwesome. Only later I realized that inorder to save myself frm losing a year, I had to get some super duper marks. Those days are still fresh in my mind. I had literally stopped studying for the next year (HSC) cos I was so sure of flunking :P

Caught while copying in exams
Well I was in a division meant for scholars. People whose names appear in merit list. People who shine. People who make their college proud. People who make their country proud. And there are some exceptions like me. I was caught with a bundle of papers. I was asked to go to the principals office. Call your parents next week. yes maam!! the next week still has not come.

Caught while helping others in exams
Girl: I want to see some of your stuff.
No its not something naughty. The girl was sitting behind me and wanted to copy some stuff enough to pass. Boobs are anyone`s weakness and I agreed to show some stuff not realizing that the supervisor was watching all this. Within a moment he came to me, blasted me and took my paper. 5 Marks gone.. dhatt and I never saw the chick in college (Actually I had never seen her before which explains her condition in exams :P )

Rip off the canteen wala
Hmm... A plate of unlimited meal costed 25 . The costliest thing in our canteen. It was available only during lunchtime. It had a red colored token.
one cup tea costed 5. It was available only during breakfast. It had a red token.
So I used to buy a tea coupon and use it for lunch. And more than that it used to fill the stomachs of 3-4 people as it was unlimited. The canteen wala caught us when the plate was being circulated among frnds. Damn it was soo embarassing. But thats why it makes it in this article

Run a scam
Well I dont want to recommend a financial scam, but you can take your friends for a ride for a long time. We used to play badminton in school. I came up with a trick of serving that made it impossible for the other person to handle. Such deadly was my trick that the moment it was my turn, everone knew the games over. Alas few of my friends joined some badminton coaching where they was told that this trick of mine was totally illegal. I hate badminton since then :P

Try to pick up a chick
Well this is one thing most of friends did but dont admit doing it. Me and my friend used to be ready with cheesy pick up lines and excuses.
It never worked.
When we were in office .. we used to ping chicks on out internal office messenger..
Its 1 am in the night and i am still bloggin and not doing something with someone.
It never worked. lol

Have a clean friend from the opposite sex with whom you can share anything ...anything
Here the person in question cannot be your gf/bf (some people have different tastes these days)
The reason being, the moment you reveal it all to ur bf/gf , you wont have a bf/gf anymore :P
Well they are the people with whom you share all your dirty secrets. Its fun because it fun to share the dirty secrets which no one in the world except a select few people know. It will make you feel good that someone trusts you so much.

Be produced in a court
Whatever the crime is, its awesome to be in a court. And I had to appear in a court as a juvenile.
Its awesome when the case is titled
"State of Maharashtra Vs Kartik Sura"
Awesome.

Have a big team secret.
Have you ever had a team party on a particular day only because the person you hate is not there? Have you ever stolen others shopping coupons to buy underwear? Do it.

Be at two places at the same time.
So so what do I mean here? You tell at home that you are going somewhere. Whenever you are phone you pretend to be somewhere there. You patao your friend who swears that you are actually with him at 'that' place. Everything is set, now actually where you are, with whom, doing what is .. all upto your imagination.

Buy a condom
Yeah losers like me just buy it. Never get to use it. (No its not a problem with my thing.. its being unlucky). whatever it is. Try buying a condom esp if its your first time. Worse try buying one where the shopkeeper is your fathers age.
The look that he will give is enough to send you in a super guilty mode ... but later on you will laugh at it


There are thousands of things happening around me , with me, with people around me which make me say ....awesome ! Well I realize that I have not done any justice to the title of my article. But I case you made it to this point of article, I am satisfied.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Yappy diwali

Well we were not celebrating Diwali at home. Rohit called me up to his place to celebrate. Coool! I said and ....

Bhatt doing Pooja:
Ok i agree its a Pj but that thought got a smile on my face so its up here :P. Kausik (yeah its spelled in a lame way.. its not Kaushik) came out of the bathroom naked (ok its just for the effect... he came with a towel on) and was eager to do some pooja. Voila! He fished out a small ganpati murti from his bag and did some rituals and stuffed it back!
"Laxmi pooja wagere kuch?", I inquired.
"Arey sabkuch ho gaya hai. Go and see there.." said Rohit.
I went there piously and was puzzled. "Abbey yeh to hanumanji hai !!"
"Arey haan haan sirf yehi photo thaa" said rohit :)
When I peeped inside I saw the main Pooja diya was also a kinky aromatic candle in Apple shape.
"No comments please." pleaded Rohit.

Diwali ka Diya
Later we all lit up diyas all over the place(this time normal diyas). The diyas were not the usual earthern ones but made of aluminium. We all went to the bedroom (The laptop was there u bastards..not for ....). Kausik started sniffing and said "Yeh tatti jaisa smell kyon aa raha hai?"
"Abbey woh diya jal raha hai na.. uska wax hai" said someone.
The one in the bedroom was kept on a piece of furniture. Then the entire Diya caught fire. Rohit was about to blow it off when we all interfered
"Abbey diwali ka diya hai.. bujhaa mat saale"
He agreed and we kept staring at the Diya.The wax in it started boiling and all.. When it finally went kaputt we picked it up.
"Aila! woh furniture bhi jal gaya!"Crappp! there was a huge fucking black mark left.


Diwali ka diya !! Mat bujhaao! Ab kyaa be ! house owner bahut chillayegi!!!


The solutions proposed.
Solution #1: Tell her that its a teeka we put so that "Furniture ko nazar na lage!"
Rejected
Solution #2:Change the ply. But as it was in some wierd shitty color we had doubts whether we would get the same shade.
Rejected
Solution #3: Put a sticker on it. We had two choices. Either put some football club sticker (It would be really uncool to remove it) or we could put a Gods sticker. "Arey woh ganpati ka 3d pic milta hai ekdum amazing idhar se kuch sur pose udhar se kuch aur... "Nobody would dare to remove God`s sticker!.
Accepted.

Shisha
We finally moved out butts to a nice place called shisha. Lovely ambience. We decided to order a shisha. After a bit of discussing, we decided to order Blueberry. We asked him which one he would recommend. "Apple, mint, lasun adrak,shit....(everything except blueberry).
jaa bhaad mein we still ordered Blue berry hookah.
when it came.. everyone had a puff and were like "sahi hai".."kuch alag hai" "Masst"
Then after sometime he came up and said there was some fault with the thing.
"Boss ...badal rahe ho toh kuch doosra flavour le aana" "Haan"everyone agreed in unison.
He said it will be fixed with a coal change. "Koiii naa.... yeh bhi ultimate hai..."

When u decide its awesome and u will have fun... screw the world!

For food, I was skeptical abt the veg stuff. We ordered Lasagne.
"Ek lasaaagneee"
"Lasaaniaaa! ok "said the waiter.
Man i need some finishing classes. No wait. None of our amrikee clients pronounce my name correctly. So screw it.

Leching at hotties
The place had good number of hotties at that time. Anytime someone would get bored, he would leave for the loo and have a nice look here and there:P
Then came a hottie with a relatively short skirt (well i have seen shorter...but this was also an eye candy). "
"Ab kisi ko loo aayegaaa... Abbey udhar ka loo sahi hai"... While peeing u can enjoy the jazz music being played downstairs.. This time I went to the loo.... for the music (not for pervertish fun)

Back street boys..
While heading back home.. we were happy high. We switched on FM radio and they were playing the oldish pop. Backstreet boys, N sync, britney and all
"eeeeeeeee" said someone. "Abbey chup! yahi toh sun sun ke bada hue hai hum log!" said another. "Koi bola ki he has not listened to Govinda or backstreet boys then he is faking"
True. we are from a generation who grew up on "Philips top ten" and things like that.. :P

Well in the end, it was one of the most fulfilling diwali celebrations ever. With everything right. From the place to the food. Awesome :)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Turning Brain

Rohit (In bihari accent): Abbey pehli baar train mein jaa rahe ho kyaa?
Well I have been travelled in train many many times... But yes this is the first time I will be in a train with an eye for details :P
Well i went to hyderabad last weekend. The journey is just of 11 hours. That has made sure that the article wont be much long :P

Leching at hotties
Aadat se majboor.... Well usually ur mom knows what an awara kind u are. Thats why usually we all act sober and sajjanish when she`s around. But weekend pe holiday crowd thaa.... I could not resist...I came up with a way to lech when some hottie is around.
Well if the chick is at ur 1 o`clock (guys know what i am saying).. then start a sweep scan from 9` o clock towards 1. when u reach 1 ...make it sloww....get some nain sukh..(or do some chakshu chodhan as rohit calls it) and then continue till 3. This way no one notices that you actually turned ur head for that lass :P

Seat kiska hai
Well the booking was done on my debit card (proud proud). When we reached our cubicle (I dunno what its called in train lingo) one more guy came and rested his ass on my seat. Shit! mebbe my balance was not enough that they cancelled my ticket (mebbe it was part of the 3% cut :P). It had once happened to a frnd of mine. He boarded the train on the wrong date and was fighting with the right guy! I did not want to be a fool.. So I checked the printout again. Everything allright. I asked him to check his. everything allright he said :( . I wish I was more spendthrift. He wished there were fewer idiots in the world. Gooo Khaa!!! I snatched the paper from him and checked it.. The seat no was right :( but the compartment was not... hheeehaww.. hadd haaddd haad :)

Its a Six...no its a Four!
I was looking out of the window and some come came to me and clapped loudly. I saw it was a beggar. I said 'naaah'. That person yelled at me: "Kyaa re chakke ko paisa nahi deta!"
Dude ! that person was looking like a woman. proper woman. Anyway I shoooed her/him/it away. But the wierdest eunuch ever met :P
Then I heard another clap and turned around only to get the biggest shock of my life! L&T ka chakka!!! Dude it was getting creeepy now.... Then I realized that the guy in the L&T teeshirt was just laughing with his frnds and clapped while laughing. Sheeeeesh

Wari gone haywire
In the space near the door there was one warkari sitting on the floor. Plain simple humble guy with meagre belongings. I was waiting for my turn in the loo. One chai waala came and payed due respect to the warkari and was chatting with him. He enquired where he was going and then warned him that dude the train is going to Hyderabad and not Pandharpur. His words were 'Ram ram ram' His expression said "Holy shit what to do now!". The dude kept on moving in circles wondering what to do only to sit back wherever he was hanging out before and got off at the next station.

Tales of the tatti
Well finally my turn came and I went into the loo... The train was moving (obviously) in jerks and I had a hard time doing the job. There is actually a handle to hold on (No dont hold the other one. Its called the flush and if ur luck is bad it will give u a shower too).
I remembered my childhood. I was taken to a park where one guy was giving horse rides. I cried till my dad put me on the horse. I cried very loudly till he got me off the horse. It was a terrible experience. The horse was moving like crazy and i held on anything i could lay my hands on.
My response was: "Bhaiinchoodd"
But my vocabulary only allowed me to say... "waaaaaaaa"
It was same here. The only difference was that I was also doing something more. Or mebbe during the horseride I crapped my pants too :P dont remember.


Sher-e-Rickshaw
The bad thing abt hyderabad is that all the meters in the autorickshaws are fucked. So you have to negotiate and bargain for every ride. In case you are like me who does not know which place is far and which is near, you will be ripped off in each and every ride. I had to go to a place everyday and I realized that it takes 12 bucks to reach there (After paying 40,30,20 and finally one meter was working which said 12 is the amt). One day when I stopped a rickshaw and asked how much for 'Paradise circle' he said 5 rupeees...
Ek number!! All my losses would be recovered now!! Heehawww...
I jumbed into it... Only to realize that one fat lady entered from the other side and two chillar pillar (kids) hopped in behind me.
I thought may be they thought they have stopped it. The driver started the rickshaw. "Bhaiiya ruko main utartaa hoon"
Driver: Kyon saab?
Me: (Trying to a gentleman) Yeh lady aur bacchon ko jaane do.
Driver: Nahi ..baith jao
Me (puzzzled): Aise kaise?
Driver: Saahab yeh rickshaw sher hai



(For the dumbfucks he meant "yeh shared rickshaw hai")


I am waiting for my next trip to ... well anywhere

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Saath ghanta saat beer

The background... well if u have read my previous posts you must have already realized what kind of situation our team is in. With a test release around the corner, the list of pending tasks wasnt showing any signs of getting shorter..in fact it was increasing with more and more critical bugs. And on top of that our development team was reduced by 33% !! (ok ok we have 3 developers.. it became two :D)... so this was the mountain .. let me take you on a trek.

The tasks
The situation was such that everyone knew that the release had to be delayed. Actually its our tradition. (Once the release was delayed by 6 months). When the scheduling was being done.. I was changing a critical piece of code (really) and hence I could not be a part of discussion. I kept hearing words like "very difficult" "delay" "will take time"..."will be done".. wait a min it was "will be done!" wtf ... So by giving a committment we had both got ourselves into a ditch.(now onwards i will refer to the situation as 'ditch'). It was completely suicidal...Holy shitttttt
It was Wednesday Morning.

The main advantage of being in a ditch is that people are too scared to give out their hand for help. They might as well end up in the ditch. So the entire decision taking power rests with you.

Foodie food
This is a serious problem man. During the early night you will forget to have food. Later you will start getting hunger pangs and once its past 1130 all the damn restaurants are closed. Each and every single place is closed. We had to go to Pune railway station to have food. I have a habit of honking in the parking cos there are lots of blind turns. I just did not realize that its 3a.m. The watchman who was sleeping peacefully woke up with a shock and whistled as a reflex action.
Rohit: "Abbey woh mast mooh khol ke so gaya thaa.. kyon haram panti kar raha!"

We reached that place. We had a big design issue in our mind. Whole time we were discussing it. At that time we could not think of anything else than designing. Deadline was our topmost priority. Then we saw few superhot chicks. My mind was in the gutter (as usual ) and I asked Rohit,"dude what if these chicks ask us out and say that they wanna have some fun ;) ". The answer I got was: "Toh bhad mein gaya project!" Crap ... so our only weakness was - Hot chicks asking us out. As the probability of the event was close to zero, we came back to office to code more :(

Shit Surfing
One incident. While coming back from comesum, we were diverted from the usual route due to the ongoing ganesh visarjan. The new route taken was below the Z bridge. We were going and going then I realized that the no one was following us not there was anyone ahead of us. The road on which we were going was a kuttcha road with lots of mud in it. Actually it was sewage. sewage means shit and everything ka paste. It was stinking like hell. I told rohit, Bhai iske atak gaye toh bahut ganda hoga... The sewage became deeper and deeper. I started losing control of my car. It started gliding left and right. Dude we were literally in deep shit. somehow we came out of it safely.

The world (office) is ur baap ka maal
Literally. When no one else is around everything is yours. There is a sidey saying in hindi.. "biwi aur gaadi ....dusre ko doge toh chud ke hi aati hai!". Well i know its tasteless but its right. Though we got hold of someone elses things rather than wives (sob). We were playing songs loudly. We had headphones which we kept on desk with max volume. We wanted more volume. Engg ka keeda toh we already have... Rohit devised a speaker with 2 coffee mugs and headphones with which we were able to hear the songs really really louder. "Damru" we named it. But that headphone belonged to someone else. When that guy came in the morning and saw it.. he got a heart attack"Dude Do you know how much it costs!". We burst out into an evil laughter and said ... "uska damru ban gaya".

We wanted to sit comfortably and code. we wanted a sofa in our cubicle. Company does not provide such a facility. There is an awesome sofa kept in the common area. We decided to get it in the cubicle. We measured the width and thought it will fit in the cubicle`s door. We picked up the huge thing and got it at the cubicle. That bloody thing was not going inside. The only way was to lift it over the cubicle. There is a security cam inside the office space. Though we did not know if someone monitors it ... we gave up. :(

Glory at last Well the coding was really challenging. We were facing so many problems which we never saw. Slowly one by one each and every problem was solved. We were continuously working for 40 hours by now. Rohit started to take a build. I was waiting to test it out. It usually takes 15 mins. I became quite numb and by the time i realized.. it was past an hour... "Kyaa huaa re?", i yelled.

Not really
"Build break ho gaya..".With a build not getting made... We saw few things that were goofed up. we again started working on it. Again brainstorming on what should be done and what actually must have gone wrong. Lots of tweaks later, the build was in place. Later I was regressing a piece of code. It involved complex calculations and visualizations for each case. There were couple of hundred cases. Screwed up. What was scary was that in case anything failed, we had to change the code and test the whole thing again.
One case failed. I halted the testing. I had been doing multitasking. I finished up the other work. Once it had happened that this particular thing failed. Actually I had miscalculated a case and had wrong checks. I prayed that this time also that would be the case. After finishing up the tasks, I took this thing again, recalculated the case and ..pheww... It was me who had goofed up. The same thing happened couple of times. Couple of times my heart missed a beat. Finally it was bug freee :)

Friday Night and 60 hours over :)
Chill out ....

Well even after the work was over we had to hang around. The build was given to the testers and in case there was some shit detected, we wanted to be there to fix it and give another build immediately. Till the end of the day we were totally mindfucked. I suggested that we go to apache and have a beer. It was 1030. The places close at 1130. Hence he suggested that we buy stuff and hit the highway. "Coool"
I suggested that we should avoid the highway as it is regularly patrolled by the police. Lets go to pirangut side! Went zoomed off to that area... I asked Rohit to watch out for a spot where we can park. Due to the rains it was all muddy everywhere. Finally we reached the ghats. Rohit asked me to stop on the left. I said nooo. Ghats are heavily patrolled as the area is famous for crimes. No way. I had seen a road on the left. So we went there.
It was a hilly area.Totally calm and quite. Not even one soul apart from us. The sky was starless. Not even one. Even the normal Pole star was shagging its way to glory at that time. We could see the city lights far away. The weather was pleasant with lots of fog. Believe me it was one of the best moments of my life. Satisfied with the work , awesome weather and beer. Sweeeeeet.
We had few beers inside the car. We talked and talked. Things about life. Things about attitude. Things about the future.
Then the awesome surrounding lured us out. With a bottle in hand we came out. It had just rained. we were walking and talking. If you are reading this and you can meet me in person. I would definitely like to take you there.
Then we decided to return back to car.While coming back, I saw a vehicle coming towards us. It had a blinking thing on its top. "Dude we are fucked! That was the last thing I wanted! ". We had thrown lots of bottles just outside the car. The vehicle stopped near our car. Few policemen got down. We were half a kilometer away. I was praying that they just buzz off. But the area was so secluded that there was no reason a car would be parked there. The police van was still there.
We immediately threw the bottles in our hands. While going towards our cars we were deciding what to say.
Kartik: "Dude were we drinking?"
Rohit: "No. We are just roaming around"
Kartik:"How much cash do you have?"
Rohit:"100"
Kartik:"I have 300. The money is not enough for drinking in a public place."
The official punishment is 2500 fine (not bad)one night jail (very bad). And as we were outside the city limits, the rural police will flash this across and we will be in the newspapers.
"Two techies caught drunk outside city limits". Fuck.
Kartik:"Dude speak marathi. Hide your bihari accent else we are definitely fucked."
Rohit:"See maybe he will take us to the police station for tests. Just be calm and lets do whatever he orders."
Kartik: "ya right"
We went to our car. The cops thundered, "what are u doing here at this time?"
We: (Now I dont remember who said what among us) "Sir, after finishing our job we came to chill"
Police:"Job!! dont give me that shit. Is this the time and place to be?"
There were two policemen. Rohit was talking to one guy and I was handling the formalities.
I prayed that he did not have a breathalyzer or did not sniff my breath. He was asking our addresses. I was giving my name and address.
I was so drunk that by mistake I gave my old house address. I had just realized that in case he verifies the address, I am screwed.
By that time rohit was convincing how were were actually been working since 60 hours continuously.
Police: "Arrre Manager ka sar phodnekaa naa!"
Then he came to me. He said "Saale barabar naam patta de raha hai naa?"
He then ordered the other policeman to verify.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Man no wayyyy.
Before he asked me to call up my parents or something, I opened my wallet. (Basically to display cash and lure him). I saw my old crumpled licence. I just remembered that it still had the same old address. I showed it to him. It is a official govt document. He told his senior. "Naam Patta Baraabar hai"
He then looked at us and thundered "In case anything goes wrong here, you will be held responsible."
"Two techies caught drunk outside city limits" is soo much better than
"Two techies caught caught for murder outside city limits" or worse
"Two techies caught caught for rape outside city limits"
Fine, I said. He ordered us into our car and asked us to buzz off... By this time we chilled out a bit. Rohit said that we should go back and pick up the bottles. I said "Nahi, we will buy some more."
So we were on the way back looking out for open shops. We finally found a restaurant which sold us beer at a premium price. We went back to our car , inside and finished it off peacefully.

Then on the way back home, rohit asked "Bhai coffee pilaoge? mera paisa khatam ho gaya hai."
"Sure" I said and we went to the 24 hr CCD and had a hot cup of coffee. Then I dropped him at his place, and went home and dropped off on my bed.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Pichwada mein pineapple

Well just few hours ago a super huge goof up from my side had been discovered by my Team. It will mean a big client escalation on Monday. When I was pulled up for a justification, I was astonished to know what all things were racing through my mind.. I did not care anymore about the problem or how many people were looking at me when i was being fired..... I was thinking the following shit :

You meant THAT?
Well try to blame the person who is trying to blame you in the first place. Try to convince him that a conversation asking for that work never took place. If you are unlucky like me and the other person fishes out a mail with all the shit written clearly... read on

I told him:
Well you knew it is important. Now make your subordinate an eternal bakra by giving him vague perfectionist instructions. yeah I mean instructions like "Make sure there are no bugs" or "Understand everything properly first". Now as you have ensured that earthquakes and swine flu is also taken care of by ur subordinate....chillaxxxx and shove him in the front. If you are an unlucky bastard (like me ) who does not have a subordinate...read on

I thought... : Well try to blame the same old story...communication gaps... One thing that has bothered countless couples...countless parents... is communication! Well try to explain that you have got it right ..but your way.... you interpreted the stuff in such a way that it ended up the way it is. Typically your ass will be saved after just a mild reprimand or self correction by ur boss. If God hates you so much that you do not even have a fucked up version running (like me)...read on

Minor sa issue hai: Now try to calm your boss down by playing down the issue. "Ohhh itna sa hi toh hai". Pretend to solve it then and there by blabbering some random suggestion like "aah I got it... just change the value from 10 to 13 and ....yeah " Try to snatch the mouse and keyboard from her/him and try to fix it on his desk itself. This should be enough to freak him off and pack you offf to fix it at your desk asap. If you have so much of bad karma that its a discussion room without code access (like me)...read on

Gaayaab: This happened just a few days back. Again a goof up (not this big) in the Test release build. When the QA guy brought it to the notice of my manager.... I over heard it ...Craaaaap....
what to do...the goof up is so silly that there is no excuse. The implications so serious that there will be no excuse. My manager looked at me and she said "Kartik!!!"
I did not dare give a look..... I claimed I was in middle of something really important and critical... called up a colleague on extension and was discussing some (seemingly) super critical stuff. My manager backed off and she said "Karo karo... baad mein baat karte"... I was staring at my screen intensely and sratching my head intermittently till lunch time... After that the matter was forgotten.
Only thing in todays case was that in dicussion room I did not have any thing with me :( ...read on

Khol ke baitho: This is wat my friend says when all the options are over.. "Khol ke baitho aur bolo aaoo..maaro....ghus jaao....". His entire advice: "kutta jaisa shakal banao" "aisa baat karo ki tum aisa kar hi nahi saktaa" "chup chaap sunlo"
Mind it ...it really works.

Title of the post: Well the title of the post is because of an incident in our cafeteria. Once we were discussing what kind of punishments must be given in hell. (Our next destination). Now what did we really do that we were so sure of going to hell...will be my some future post. One guy started explaining stuff from mythology ..kumbhipakam..krimibhojanam.... Then one teammate interrupted him in a garish bihari tone.... "Abbey woh sab kuchhh naaiii ... .maine ek movie dekhaa "little nikki" ...usme bataayaa hai..... hell mein pichwada mein pineapple hota hai". I still burst out into laughter whenever I am reminded of that :)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Flop Show

Since my childhood i had lots of keeda in me. Tinkering with things, fixing stuff .. I thought I would be a newton ...when I grow up. Well I think that the apple (or peru as I am indian) should fall on the right spot. Or mebbe I still did not grow up :). Now I am going to take you down my memory lane and show you all the places where I goofed up while being a wannabe scientist :P

Micromouse:
Well micromouse is a robot like thing which guides itself though a maze. It was something every engineering student wanted to make. Me and few friends from college got together and the project kicked off.The electronics were designed by none other than me. All others had awesome awesome expectations: One asked whether it would be too fast. One was planning what he would do with the prize money. When we finally soldered the last piece of wire, ... lo and behold ..nothing happened...nothing ever happened.... we went to the micromouse event... leched at some hot chicks...had a nice time and came back.

Train: This was our ninth standard science project. We saw in some book about a toy locomotive which we could make with very basic stuff. Me and my school friends Chaitanya, Tushar, Varun took up this ambitious project. We underestimated our trains weight and overestimated the power of the teeny weeny electric motor. The only time the wheels used to rotate was when I picked up the train in my hand :( We had no time nor patience to add up a motor or do anything to it.. Wild ideas were being thrown in.. like distracting the teacher to look elsewhere and we kicking the train so that it moved. Finally Tushar suggested that we could pick up his sisters last year project and show it as ours... It was a huge blow to our ego..But just few hours before the submission we refurbished the old one.. and hoped that it looked like new. The teacher liked the project so much that she wanted to put it up in the science exhibition. :)
Nahiiii!! said Tushar. He explained that that project had already won last year and the only reason we were not caught was that this teacher was a different one. In exhibition it would definitely be caught.
We decided to act smart and told the teacher that the project broke while taking it home and it already had been thrown in the garbage..phewwww

MiniProject: Well this project was done in my engg college. The project was a simple database project. During the testing of the project we put in funny names in the database. when it was the time for the demo, we proudly showed off our system.. First entry: ass
Second entry: Choo$%^&. Our face became pale and we quickly sped through the demo. Nothing happened :)

Radio: Well I fancied a wireless headphones which i saw on the net. Supercool stuff.. But it was available only in amrikaaa. So we decided to build an indigenous one. So we thought. Me and my friend Chintan went to budhwar peth.. no no not because its a a red light area.. but because its a wholesale market of electronic components. We saw a circuit on the net and decided to make it ourself. The total cost was around 500 for all the parts. It was huge money back then. we got it home... happily soldered the parts... That bloody thing never worked.. :'( Next time when we went to the same area (actually for buying parts for micromouse ;) ) we saw that the same working one was availabe for sale for .... rupees 30 ..waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Fireproof paper: Well this one takes the cake. Again in school. Again for our science project. Those were the days when there was not internet for us. We used to rely on some super outdated books for our projects. I read up somewhere that I could make .......a paper fireproof. Hoodibaba
So confident I was with the idea that we did not move our ass a bit till the last date. The project was simple.. Apply alum on a paper. It will become fireproof.Just a day before the submission, I realized that the grocers did not understand what alum meant and I did not know the word in Hindi/Marathi. So I called up my proj partner and told him to do the handiwork. Next day our apparatus was ready. I delivered the introductory 'speech'. I claimed that in future all the special documents will use our technique. The teacher looked quite impressed. I took a match stick, lit it up and declared "This is our fireproof paper!" and tried to put it on fire. The paper was turned into ashes within seconds. I immediately burst into laughter. The teacher`s face was worth seeing. so was my proj partners. Then I realized the gravity of the situation and I was upset that the project did not work. I actually blamed my partner that he did not put enough alum on it.

Thomas Edison said "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Well I am still trying to find the count where i can stop and frame my quote :D

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Ghinastic

Ghinastic... well this is a word coined by my friend to describe 'ghinau'. Well for the people who are well versed with hindi know that this article is not for ones with a weak heart. For the others... this article will describe all those incidents in my life which made me/my friends say "ewwwwwwwww"

Slumdog Silly-onaire
This incident took place when i was in school. We had a project thingy for which i had to go to my friends place after school. While going to his place we had to go through this slum. I noticed that one kulfiwala was going past us. I wanted to have it. My friend was shocked at the desire. But then i coaxed him into it. Chappri toh it was, It did not cost us more than 2-3 ruppees and we were happily licking it off. Then came one kinetic honda and we heard some 'eeeee' type screams. We looked at those people and realized that they were girls from our class. we were feeling soooooo embarrassed and instantly my friend started blaming me for it :) while i continued licking it blissfully.

Baal Baal bache
Once I had got appams to school and as usual they were attacked by all the people. I noticed that one particular appam was not getting attacked.Happy that I wont be starved, when i picked it up i saw that it had a hair in it. , I pulled out the hair and gobbled it.. ewwwww was the response.

Matki
This incident happened very recently when I became a health freak and started getting sprouts to office for snacks. One particular day i forgot to have those sprouts during the day. As luck would have it I had to stay up in office till very late. At 2 in the night I was feeling very hungry. I remembered the sprouts and opened the box. The smell was as if I opened the manhole of a gutter. Immediately I went to my colleague and said "Hey sprouts khaana hai? Spl masaala daal ke laaya hai". The poor (and hungry ) boy leapt at it and had a spoonful of it and spat it down. (He did not have the space left to say ewwwww) I had a good evil laugh.

Kela
Same other guy. The culprit was my other colleague. He gifted a banana to this guy, Who once again hungry accepted it greedily and kept it aside. When the night came in... (Yeah we work a lot ...or mebbe we dont thats why we have to stay up :P ) He peeled it and it was all sticky brownish...(i can hear some eeew frm u ). It was obviously unedible. But i challenged him to eat it and he managed one or two bites but then gave up sat down stroking his tummy.. "abbey bahut kharaab thaa" ...Next day the one who gave the banana said that it was rotting at his place with fleas and ants on it .. he just got it for fun and this guy actually ate it up... ewwwwww

Ewwww
Well this is my personal favourite. I used to visit my grandma during summer vacations. Once during the night i was feeling very thirsty. I did not have the balls to go to the kitchen all alone and have water. I decided to steal grandmas water. I knew that she kept a vessel with her. I slowly tiptoed to her and grabbed the vessel and gulped down. I felt something in the vessel. It was her dentures... ewww ewww even today I get nauseated when I recollect those moments.

The baap
This is the baap of the eewws. This one inspired this article. Once my friend was boasting how cleanliness freak he was. He was describing how they had to clean the toilet once in few months when their parents visited their flat. We all were impressed by his habits. Then he said "Yaar sometimes the shit on it is soo stuboorn that it does not go off".. We laughed and asked him what does he do...
The reply was"No option but i scratch it off with my nails"
Till this date i shudder to shake hands with him. (ewww is teeny weeny for this.)

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Hard'ly' working techies

Ok this article will not be posted in our company blog..Well status meetings can be interesting when your work status indicates that you have been coming to the office primarily to warm the chair.
Many times we give the status of some task though the real status is something else... "my" observations:

Status: I will investigate:
Actual Status: You have no idea what the task is
You have been assigned some task. You have been given a deadline. Your colleagues suddenly look too busy to help (spoonfeed) you. You have no idea what it actually means. You dont dare to ask again for a detailed explanation (cos you confidently nodded and pretended you got everything). You dont know what to do :D

Status: Thoda baaki hai
Actual Status: Chalu karna hai
Well the investigation phase is over now. Your frantic search on codeproject.com revealed that with some more clever searching you will get a ready made snippet. You sit back and relax. God bless codeproject:)


Status: I have an idea
Actual Status: Someone ..somewhere faraway has an idea. And that someone is NOT you.
This is a phase where you dont worry about the task much. Someone has already slogged in for you. You have the code. You just have to integrate and compile it..heehawwww

Status: Its done but...
Actual Status: The compiler is giving just one error. otherwise everything looks good.
Well you integrated it and compiled it.. its not compiling... you search the place where you downloaded the code for some clues... you will find one or two people already shouting about the same problem... but noone is caring :( Lateron when it actually compiles the output is nowhere as nice as the screenshot shown. It resembles one of the forwarded mails having celeb pics with and without makeup.

Status:We will have to look into this
Actual status: Now 'we' will have to sit down and actually think about the solution.
well the 'we' meant that you sincerely wish that there is atleast one more soul for helping you out. Its humiliating when you alone get a dressing down. Its fun when you are with some one else. Its thrilling when its the entire group getting f`ed in the a.

Status: What the f....
Actual status: your code is alright..someone else has done some shit and ur code is not working.Yes mere cheeteeh you are the hero someelse is the zero. you get angry.. shout and scream cos its because of these morons that the world is what it is today. You wish that person did not exist..

Status: Oh No
Actual status: There is no someone. you have fucked up something.
The expletive is removed as the culprit is yourself. Well sometimes you are the zero. You try to cool people down. You give out a biggg big smile trying to be sweet and nice. (indicating that though the code is screwed now ..you are actually such a nice person ). The world is not such a bad place to live...yaar. You wish you had read the instructions before copy pasting the code which said that the code works only when there is a solar eclipse happening.


Well well such is the life of a techie. One of my friends actually claimed that he had finished the code and only thing remaining was checking in the code. He had not started with it at all. The managers demands for a demo was a cat and mouse chase. Later on somehow he managed to get it done by some teammate and voilaaa "it worked" :)

Monday, July 6, 2009

Life at 'Bug'eerath

This week I will finish my two years as a Software engineer . Those two years included years of coding, designing, discussion, goof ups, conversations over coffee, etc etc. Whatever a software engineer might be actually working on, there are certain things which tag along the software engineer. Those are bugs. Classically specified as high priority,critical, show stopper, etc etc. I will classify them 'My way' and will also suggest how to work them out (any additions, suggestions are welcome )

Bug Type 1: Its a Feature bitch!
The customer/ client calls up and complains that there is something wrong with the working of the software. Immediately you go in the defensive mode and say "abbey tumne hi toh bola thaa aisa chahiye!" . Whatever might be the reason why that thing is there, it will be a pain in your ass.
Recommended procedure: You should convince the customer/client how its much better now and how his life would have been in trouble if you had not implemented this. If you are good at convincing you might actually get a round of applause, perks, or atleast cadbury perk :D (I agree it was a bad one)

Bug Type 2:Holy crap !It IS a bug!
Well this is a genuine bug. Yes you f***ed it up. Yes you were thinking of naked women when the client was explaining the requirements.(ok naked men too...lets not be sexist..377 is legal now :D) Yes you forgot to handle the exception because you wanted to join your team for snacks.Yes you thought that its not a big deal. But it is a big deal now!
Recommended procedure:Its crystal clear that you are the one who is responsible. There are two ways of handling this. Either you own up, gulp down the scolding and all the embarrassment ..or you disappear!! Yeah one of my friends actually disappeared for almost a week when he had goofed up big time. By the time he came back everything was forgotten.

Bug Type 3: You had already fixed it!
You know you have fixed it. Your manager knows you havent. You remember fixing it and seeing the right results. Your teammates say you were sleeeping (dreaming) on the desk at that time.
Recommended procedure: Well this type of stuff is difficult to overcome. Either blame a crashed machine, some third person who has left the team (or a person who is still in the team but you hate him/her) or fix it up ASAP.

Bug type 4: Its a hush hush affair!
Big people always do it. Its a classic case of andar kuch aur bahar kuch aur. Well the entire team knows that this bug exists. The entire team pretends that they dont. Its usually implemented as a entry in the internal (secret) bug sheet. Its fixed and secretly shipped as part of the next release.
Recommended procedure: Well you are part of it. So dont be a spoil sport. Just dont forget that bug.

Bug type 5: Its a scandal!
Well this type of bugs are similar to the above type but there is one difference. Your boss does not know the goof up! Your peers know about it. your peers blackmail you to fetch coffee for them. You are always scared thinking what if the manager comes to know this.
Recommended procedure: Well dont get intimidated. If someone tries to threaten you, ask them to go ahead and tell the manager. 95% of the people wont go and tell. But there are some losers who actually do. (in short, be prepared for a big thing in ur...)

Bug type 6: Dirty secret!
This is the Baaap of all bugs. While coding, in order to meet deadline (or if you just dont care :P) you leave out some stuff or maro short cuts. No one exept you knows it. Usually its some very bad programming practice or some hard coded values. You are sure that no one will ever come to know about it.
Recommended procedure: Make sure no one actually does know about it. You are your own enemy. Over a drink (or over 'many' drinks) , or when you are over happy/ over excited about something..you confess what you have done and next moment you regret it. :D


Well whatever might be the reason, whatever might be the consequences, bugs are part of our life. Know the tricks of the trade and you rule the roost.

For the uninitiated: Bhageerath is the name of our office building :)

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Mythbusters- IT folks

After lots of meet ups with my non-IT friends, relatives, strangers, rickshaw wallahs, etc etc I noticed that the moment you say that you are an IT guy, they have already made some assumptions about you.

Myth #1: If you are not in the four biggies ...u are a loser
Auntyji :"Beta, kaunsa tent?"
Me: "Persistent! Aunty I work in Persistent. "
Aunty:"Tumko Info*** mein nahi mila kya?" (in short: "tum second grade gadha ho")
Then I have to make efforts to tell them how I actually work for a much better company. In case the opposite person is technologically sane then I give him some product development 'maaz' (arrogance).

Myth #2: If you havent been onsite ...u are a loser
Uncle: "Tum do saal se IT company mein kaam kar rahe ho na?"
Me: (tighening my collar..head high) "Haan uncle ...bas ..."
Uncle: "Tum videsh nahi gaye?"
Me: "Nahi uncle project mein requirement nahi hai onsite kaa"
Uncle: "Lekin woh bunty ko toh maanna padegaa... engg mein 2nd class milaa...fir bhi usne jamke mehnat ki aur usse company ne USA bheja!"

Aaaha! thats the problem. People think that only the smarty pants are sent on site while the loser ones are the people left behind in India. So the assumption is that if you haven't been on site then you don't work hard nor you have any sincerity and .. ok that's enough for now.

Myth #3 You can fix any computer..and calculator (that's a ghati computer) and clocks too
Most of the computer engineers around must have at least once gone to a friends place only to fix his /her comp. The task can be from installing a software (next..next.. finish) to fixing a computer which gives electric shocks when its metal areas are touched.
Once I tried to play the problem down by saying "are woh toh simple sa kaam hai". My friend trapped me by saying "badhiyaa! toh kab aa raha hai ?"

Myth #4: You have lots of money
Once I met up with my friends from school ..from various fields. I just mentioned that it is such a pain to go to office nowadays and said that I wanted to buy a car.
Friend1: "what problem do u have man .. u are an IT waala"
Friend2: "Tu toh Honda CRV le saktaa hai"
Me: "CRV!! aabey CRV kyaa mere pass VCR lene ka paisa nahi hai"
Even after 5 minutes of convincing them that i did not have the required 'aukaat' they weren't getting convinced.

Myth #5: Coding means sitting in front of the computer
During my college days , my classmate had an encounter with a guy from mechanical dept:
Mech guy: "Your Computer engineering is a big nautanki.... four years you learn the same grey dabba... and all you ppl do is sit nicely in front of that dabba and punch the keys"

Well I dont completely disagree :P


Myth #6: You are a loser anyway
Yes somehow people have hell lot of 'issues' with IT folks.
IT guy = you aren't health conscious and eat junk all the time and have a big fat pot belly. (Even if u dont have they will accuse you of sucking in your tummy just to hide it.
IT guy= you are a philanderer and ..... leave it :D
IT guy = you don't respect traditions and have lots of arrogance

Well give us a break !

NOTE: Now I realized that I have almost never tried to prove any myth false. The name of the post should be renamed to Mythboosters instead :D

Thursday, June 4, 2009

"Barbar"ic encounter

I don't understand why I try to come up with spoof like titles and screw them up. Well recently someone had posted an article on her experience in a beauty parlor on woman`s day. After reading that, I decided to observe more when I go to my parlor for a haircut. Well I did not get any discount or anything. Mebbe because it would spell doom for his business (I mean the other 364 days are supposed to be Men`s day).

OK OK. I don't go to any parlor sharlor. I usually cut my hair in a sidey men`s saloon. More salary cuts and you will find me getting my hair cut under some tree. Hmm fine let me admit that it has nothing to do with the cuts but I am cheap by default and find spending 500 for a haircut in a designer saloon a bit too much.

So after a tiring day in the office I entered the saloon. The walls were painted in a gaudy blue color. One of the tubelight was flickering and the radio was blaring with hindi songs. "Thoda rukna padegaa sahab,20-30 minutes" said the man. I turned into my smarty pants avtaar and threatened him "Theeke main jaa raha hu" and started leaving the shop, super slowly and thinking "abbey rukaa na mujhe". My smarty plan worked and he gave in by promising to attend me within 5 minutes.

Well for 20-30 minutes I waited for my turn (damn my smarty avtaar :( ). There were couple of newspapers and magazines thrown in. I wonder why do there people like 'police times' so much. I am shocked that we have so many snuff fans around. Also there were lots of Filmfare and stardust mags around. So after enough of leching at lots of 'heroines' (actress is not a cool term to use here), I ran out of patience and screamed at him "boss aapne 5 minute bola tha!" (Yeah you have to call him boss, dada and what not to make him happy). He smiled at me and said "bas abhi aaphi ka turn hai" (translation: "kaise ullu banaaya").

So I went and sat on the chair which looked not less than a throne. The barber assigned to me came. His hairstyle was resembling Anil kapoor`s. When I looked around I was surprised to see posters of sanjay dutt, anil kapoor stuck up. He saw me looking at them and said "Wahi toh hai asli hairstyle..gaya woh zamaana..". he added, "Aaj kal ke bacche kuch bhi karte hain ispikes, istraightening...dhatt ". That time I realized that I had come to a wrong place.

"Mujhe Saadha cut chahiye". Yes, saadha cut is a type of cut which does not fit in the categories of ispikes, istraightening, anil kapoor, sanjay dutt ,etc etc. He then covered me in a filthy cloth which was supposed to protect me from my own hair (while i could see duniya bhar ka hair on it). His scissors moved swiftly and within some minutes he was done. Then he loaded his vastara (razor) with a brand new blade (or so I thought). While shaving I moved a bit and he grunted "HMMM!!". I was reminded of the scene in andaaz apna apna "Babulal kaan sambhaal ke kaato".

There was a small kid beside me who was scared to death and was wailing. My barber was getting irritated (and I was getting scared of the barber). Finally he got pissed enough and ... and he increased the volume of the radio!

After he was done with me, he opened a drawer filled with cosmetics. I was busy making faces at that kid. Puff puff ..he dusted some talc on my face...and mind it koi aisa waisa talc nahi "Sona Talcum Powder". I was looking like a clown. "Yeh kyaa kiaa!" I screamed. Phuss Phuss came in a spray of water and I was startled and washed clean instantly. Before he could get a chance to use his "Vicky turmeric cream" and "Zeeba after shave lotion" I got up to leave. "Abhi tak huaa nahi hai sahab maalish baaki hai".
Then for few minutes he massaged my head. I swear that was a soothing experience especially after a long day. Then I got up, paid him 30 bucks and left his shop. Though it was cheap like ... well there is no comparison i can think of :P . All for 30 bucks it was worth it :)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Heir to be hairless

Ok I agree that the title isnt really funny. I am among the unfortunate few people whose jeans are responsible for their receding hairline(I know its genes..I am not that dumb...dont just go to my prev post on screwed up english and post a link to this article).

Receding hairline will mean
I will be offered Alok Nath kind of roles only in case I join films :P
Neighborhood kids will call me "Uncle".
I will miss the freebies offered with hair products (yeah i buy them only for the free stuff)

But it will have advantages too like:
People around will think that I am the Project lead or something.
I might get a salute or two from the guard who usually does not give a damn.
People might make efforts to make place for me in the lift.
I read in the papers last week that bald men are a big turn on... (oh no i forgot who that chick was ....)

Well there was a time when I used to try to avoid this phenomena by trying out everything possible....yeah almost
Experiment #1: Ayurveda
One well wisher friend (i have two kind of frnds ..one who is well wisher and other who wishes the well for me) suggested that I should try this special ayurvedic oil. Its super formula is supposed to bring back my lost glory. wooohooo!! I immediately got one and opened it and....yuck yuckie yuck... It was so stinky that I immediately knew how this actually worked:
The secret is:
You feel bald when others call u bald.
So Put something that makes sure that there is no one will dare to come closer than 10 meters to you.
No people around so no one will call u bald.
No one will call u bald so u wont feel bald.
Formula successful!!!

Experiment #2: Yoga
One day I was channel surfing and somehow i got hooked on to a saint like person doing some acrobatics. Later on he was talking something about hair. Woohoo!! (again)
"Rub your nails against each other and the hair will grow!", he said.
In the evening I discussed the technique with my friends. I asked them whether they ever tried such stuff. "Nahiiiiiii!" screamed one frnd...He recollected his trauma, "Yaar, Maine woh technique use kiya... Sar pe toh nahi poora badan pe baal aagaya! ab full bhalu ban gaya main". Thank god for the timely intervention!
Their secret:
We know for sure that there are some nerve endings near the nails which connect to the hair.
We dont know for sure which finger nail is for the head.
Keep rubbing and in case you know which nail is the exact one...write to us. You will get a gift hamper containing 15 authentic herbs.

Experiment #3: The Internet
Well internet is supposed to be THE answer. Well after hitting some crappy websites which actually wanted to sell their stuff (i.e. it actually qualified for the above two) I finally came across a good website which explained the causes of hair loss, the symptoms, the proper diet recommended, everything. Woohoo!!! (or so i thought)
The last point they mentioned was.. Hair loss in men is mainly hereditary and nothing much can be done about it. so why not shave off the remaining stuff and sport a macho baldy look?

The last sentence they said made the difference. To hell with the hair. Though there is still quite a bit of hair on my head...I know what to do now :D

Sunday, May 24, 2009

God Save the Queen

Many times we have heavy influence of our mother tongue on English. We unknowingly say something when actually we want to say something else ... and it gives birth to such articles .... :D


Friend: Hey! Lets go and have snakes!!
Me: Abbey pata hai japan onsite jaana hai tujhe ......lekin uska matlab ye nahi ki tu kutta saap khaana chaalu kare!!
Friend: Abbey Snakes ke liye!! snakes!!!... I feel like eating pohe
My Tubelight: flick flick ting!
Me: Ohh snacks! aise bol na be ..chal chal


Friend#2: (Actually its the same frnd again but why to pull his leg so much)
I was waiting for him so that we could go somewhere. And he just comes.
Friend#2: Hey wait a second I need to go back to my house for a beg.
Me: Abbey @#$##$@! I know that charity begins at home but that does not mean that u should also beg at home!!
Friend#2: Yaar without a beg how will we have fun comfortably?? just a moment
Me (thinking): Tu IT engineer ka naam mitti mein milaa raha hai...whatever
After lots of moments ..yeah lots and lots of moments later he comes with a crumpled 'bag'
Me: (!!!)

Friend#3(This time he is really a different person)
Me: (Waiting again)...After getting frustrated I call him up to ask when will he bless us with his presence.
Friend#3: Yaar, Just a moment. I am taking a bath.I will come in five minutes.
Me (thinking): Eureka!! I always wondered how much a moment means... five minutes exactly...now i know.... But i did not let my friend know about this eureka chaap discovery ..I did not want him to come out and run on the streets naked..like Socrates did... no like Archimedes.

The following incident took place in our college.
The professor was teaching some stuff... and there was mention of laplace. (Laplace transformation something). The professor said "Lap Lace". Some smarty pants corrected him by telling him how it was actually "La Plaaace". Without wasting a moment (no not 5 mins) he said "I dont care whether I say it right or wrong. I am sure that Laplace wont be able to pronounce Phadkule (his name) properly"

Point proven.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Where is my randi

Ok..though the title of the article might suggest that I might describe my escapades but I will actually tell u some of the real life incidents which have shocked unsuspecting people around me...the culprit being the same words having really different meaning in telugu/hindi/English.

The holiest of the screw ups is when one of my friends,Kunal went to the Holy town of Tirupati for getting some blessings and stuff (though i think his parents wanted some blessing and this guy was dragged along :D). So these people went to the main temple to take darshan. The pujari looked at them and said "rape randi!". Kunal must have thougt "yoooho at last my prayers have been answered!" while his parents were too shocked to respond. We must have heard something else....but why is our boy grinning so much? "rape randi!! (with eyes widened)"said the pujari again. The boy became more happy as it seemed like a compulsory rule there. Then some person in the line realized that these people are not understanding telugu and explained that "Rape randi" means "Come tomorrow ".

The reverse thing happened once when i went to my native place. I am used to talkin in marathi with my sister. I was talkin to her ,"something something something fuck the 5rs something something". Those 2-3 golden words caused my cousins to freak out and one of them ran away to her parents and obviously she was asked to stop playing with us :'(. Actually fuckthe 5 rupees means "only 5 rupees" in marathi...poor me.

The third kind was due the fusion of telugu and hindi. Once some neighbour aunty was at my place and was talking to my mom. and i was playing here and there..or whatever.
Suddenly my mom remembered that she had kept some milk on the stove. She called me and asked me to turn off the stove. Then she asked me loudly "Doodh pe mooota hai kyaa". I burst into laughter. I dont know whether my mom realized it or not, but the aunty also started laughing. 'moota' means lid in telugu. the hindi telugu fusioned up sentence meant that did i pee into the milk! heeehawww


Well there there are lots of other such examples such as kanth which means throat in hindi :D and i dont want to describe what it means in english ;)

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Techie tips to impress....

"Beta tum computer engineer ho?"
ME: "Haan"
budhiya: "Beta hamaara computer bighad gaya hai... mera beta usa mein hain...tum computer theek kar sakte ho?"
ME:(thinking) "Kar sakte ho!! apun ko challenge!!"
ME:(Speaking) "Haan main dekhoonga"
budhiya: "Internet connect nahi hota hai"
ME: "accha? do minute mein kar deta hu" (This attitude always gets me into shit)
After an hour i finally figured out that there was no problem with the computer but the internet connection had to be renewed. Problem solved. The hero comes home. Thinks.Why only me?

After years of experience in the computer field (okay two years of ex is valid enough to be described as "years")I figured out some ways to impress unknown (and unsuspecting) people. I will nicely sort out my stuff into categories of vulnerability
Category one: Students and wannabe professionals
These are your juniors still in college or ur peers from jhaatu companies (I sincerely hope my mom does not read this). These people look up to you and (atleast in front of u) will want to become like u someday.
To impress these people you will have to throw words such as "standards", "high priority bug fixes", installer scripts, etc etc.. You try to show that whatever the students cannot do ...u have to do it on the fly... lo and behold they will become ur bhakt and will follow u all around the campus like ganesh visarjan


Category two: professionals from a single field
These are the kind of people who have worked in a particular field for long time enough. They try to show off that they know everything of some thing.
scene two. You enter. You want to steal the limelight. Here comes interop to the rescue. see.. Interop is something which is used to bridge between two technologies and stuff...(thats what i think and has worked well with me till date).
You: so mr Java that day i was working on JNI i could not call a c++ function using the java classes..any idea why the environment could not be loaded.
Mr Java: (thinking)aicha gho...faatli re..
Mr Java : (Speaking) yaar i work on core Java. I have heard that JNI is complex to use. (Point scored :) )



Category Three: while facing interviews
During interviews basically you have to sell yourself. You have to prove the interviewer how fortunate he is to find a candidate like u.
step one: find something in ur technology that is done only when some super fundoo things are needed.. (e.g. using the /3g switch in windows,etc)
step two: Show that your previous project was super fundoo and those cool things found out in step one were recommended by u.
Step Three: The super fundoo project was a top secret one. Every techie signs a non disclosure agreement but never actually follows it.. Now you should use it for your own benefit. So a billing mgmt software for walmart becomes Topsecret financial analysis software for top us company. create hava hava and more hava
Discuss the super high end things and show as if the basic questions he is asking is for kids and u studied them when u were in kg :P

category Four :Non IT public
These are the easiest of the preys. ultimate bakra. They dont understand any shit about what u are talking and try to show as if they are understanding. Pepping up your talk with words like "office 2013" (it does not matter that after all its office..what matters that u have the super latest version of it..2013!).Also non IT people are usually jealous of the international exposure IT ppl get. So claiming to have met the client from the US (too routine) or switzerland , giving them titbits of some foreign chocolates will sweep them off.. :D

Category Five: Getting laid
If you know any trick by which a techie might get laid .. please let me knw :)

Taste of illiteracy

Well am writing this post when I am supposed to study for my device driver exam..(damn it ...whenever i have to study i end up blogging!) Well I am posting after a long time after my colleague vilde suggested that I should write more... Well I dont know whether its for good reading or he wants something to make fun of :P

Hmm... I come from a type of family which had migrated to Pune long long time back leaving our native place. I speak Telugu at home. But that's the only place where I speak Telugu. That the problem...yeah that has assured that i can speak only toota foota telugu and cannot read or write it :( Yeah that means i am officially a telugu illiterate guy!

Everything is fine as long as i keep my ass in Pune.... Telugu is cool and serves as a wonderful secret language...(I can comment abt anything/anybody without anyone except mom/sis understanding a word out of it). But the pandora`s box is opened when i get my ass to Hyderabad. Yeah the story starts here ...

Everybody is bogged down by illiterate people at Bus stands, Railway stations, hotels etc. Those people expect us to explain the entire schedule/menu and also suggest them the best option. Well My friend happened to be on the other side for a change. Yeah the illiterate side. Due to the over patriotism shown by most of the states towards their official language, these people have all the information on the buses in telugu. So my friend Santosh (sorry for introducing him late...i forgot) was in the holy town of Tirupati for the blessings of Lord Venkateshwara so that he would do well in studies (pass in the exams :D ). There he was at the bus stand (obviously waiting for the bus..not for begging...i said taste of illiteracy not taste of poverty...remember?) . Brummm drummm pom pom comes the Bus ..with all the hustle bustle around ..he tried to focus his eyes and zoom in on the destination....zoooom 5 %10% 100%..jalebi jalebi jalebi...All he could see was something written in jalebi like language. Frustrated..he went to the nearest person...and asked him "Where does this bus go?" (In telugu) The other person`s face changed...
agrily he said to my friend ,"!@#$^@#@!! Why are u making fun of me"
(the !@#$%$ was in telugu ...probably having references to his mother/sister).
He said to my friend "You look well educated and from a good family. Do u need spectacles?" My friend was wondering.."Kash chasme se kaam ho jaata"... He tried to explain that man that he could only speak telugu and not read it... his schooling....But after some more references to his mom/sister he gave up. On his way back he picked up a book "Learn Telugu in 30Days"..for the next time of course whenever that time came.

I just had a similar expirience. Ok, were u ever approached by a shabby looking person with a mobile phone asking you to recharge his cell phone using a coupon or worse recharge a airtel phone with a idea coupon? You give that person some instructions fataafat to make him disappear fataafat. Then with a blank face that person will shove his fone in ur face and beg you to punch in the required buttons to get the work done...You sigh but anyway will do it ..at least he will go away..
Yeah so i had a similar experience...of being that shabby irritating guy with the cell phone.. I was in the market in Hyderabad to get some freshly ground coffee. I went to the shop.and asked the person how much time will it take ...he said "bas do minute saahab "
I was thinking "saale tereku maggi nahi maanga hai coffe maanga hai"
Anyway I bought the beans and asked him to grind it. He said come after 10-15 minutes. I said i will be back in 20 minutes and he replied "haan saahab"...
Seeing so much of variation in time, I asked him to give his phone number so that i can call him before actually coming.
"rondu ondala yaabaay moodu ondala something something" said he
I thought he was uttering some holy mantras to ward off... mosquitoes and flies around his shop. So there was I with a question mark on my face and looking here and there trying to show how uncool he was .
But he did not mind.."rondu ondala yaabaay moodu ondala something something". Finally i gave up and gave him my cellphone to him and asked him to punch it out for me..
"Aaj ka young generation ekdum phaaltu ! kuch nahi aata!"after nicely feeding my pride to the dogs he gave my cell back and screamed "two hundered and fifty....I also know english!"
I was wishing i was the dog nearby..No not because dogs dont have numbers..because i could have bitten him and ran away :D

I am too lazy to buy any book to better myself.